3 Years After..

Today, my friends and I went to a Karaoke nearby.
When I arrived, they were already there and had already sang a couple of songs.
Most of it began with Backstreet Boys and a couple of Malay songs. As I was singing along to one of the songs, I saw one friend chose Christina Aguilera's Hurt. I stiffened a little, but then decided that I'd be okay as long as I didn't sing.

Well you guessed it. I got passed the mic to sing with one of my friends. Knowing that they'd bug me if I didn't sing, I took the mic quietly and sang.
I tried not to pay too much attention to the lyrics, and even then, I felt my throat tighten a little.
Then came the bridge.

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this 

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do, To have just one more chance To look into your eyes and see you looking back"

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this... "

I choked.

I couldn't sing it.

I felt my tear ducts fill and hurriedly blinked it away before it could spill.

I pretended to be distracted with something, and just passed the mic over to another friend.


Most of the time, I realise, whenever I think of Gino, I get so upset because I miss how things were.

There have been so many things that have changed since Gino's passing, and I have to admit that I miss the old times. A LOT.

Back then, I guess you could say that I was more 'involved'. I had classes 2-3 times a week, and although it was professionally very little, I loved it. I also loved the company. The friends. That close bond we had.

Yes, HAD.

There have been so many who have gone their different ways that I feel I'm somewhat losing touch of the 'old memories'. Even those who are still here now have seemed to have sort of gotten over the grief a long time ago.

All I have is my blog to reminisce about the old memories; because I'm not boring anyone to death with my stories; anyone reading this can just close my page if they don't like what they're reading. And at this rate, I feel as if I'm the only one who still cries every time I hear songs that relate to him, and feel saddened even at the mere mention of him. I feel like I seem to be the only one who's heart breaks whenever I think back on those times.

Because everyone seemed to have moved on.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me and my 'attachment' issue. 

Then again, back at the old studio was where most of my happy memories of dancing came from. 

The old times.

I know change can be good in life. 
Everyone needs a change now and then. 

But this change has... disconnected me, if you will.

Priorities have changed. I daresay that some of the 'joy' has even... evaporated due to the change.

Now there is so much I've been missing out on, that I've become left behind. Different circumstances have also made me unable to keep up.

I left uni to come back and teach. And I know that in my current situation, I have to be patient, but...

I guess you could say I've lost touch. I am not needed to be as involved as I was. And back then, all I knew WAS being involved.

And all because I lack financially.

Haha.

If I was financially able, I would have learnt the new syllabus. I would have taken the qualification needed to take a teaching course. I would be able to pay my way through the course what with travel expenses and all. I would be able to get my certificate and be a certified teacher.

But I can't.

And it hurts me so fucking much.

I'm not getting any younger. The odds are getting thinner at me getting anything close to a dance career. And I don't mean in just ballet.

But of course, if it's possible I want a proper teacher; one with credible and proper experience; not those who just learn from music videos. 


Well.

I've started rambling and going way out of the point now. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is... I miss how things were. I miss my participation, and I miss the old company. It's just not the same.

*insert expression of utmost belief here*

Wow. I'm speechless.

And for the first time (not in my life, but where my passion is concerned), it's not a good kind of speechless.

I feel like I've been betrayed constantly time and time again that I'm surprised I still get so surprised by it.

I really want to keep doing it, but it's hard when what you do is not even acknowledged, and you're treated so differently.

I do ONE thing that apparently stands in the way of me being actively involved, and I get isolated like this. When I DO participate actively and pour my time and blood and sweat into it, it gets overlooked and I still don't get recognition for my contributions.

Well I'm sorry I don't have enough money like the rest to continue my classes. I'm sorry I can't afford to go for courses and extra classes to 'better myself' up. Tch, if I HAD the money, you wouldn't even have to ask; the moment there's an opportunity, I'd grab it before you can even invite me.

It's VERY hard, I must say. When you're trying your best to get involved any way you can, but no one is taking you seriously, and they're instead treating you like you yourself had opted out.

NO.

The circumstances forced me to add another commitment into my life, in which you were the one who suggested in the first place.

I wanted to focus solely on what I love; it's the MAIN reason I stopped uni in the first place. But because it couldn't support me and my dad has been constantly on my case to get a 'better, well paying job', I was forced to put my commitments someplace else.

This situation is making me dread practises. But I know that I still LOVE my passion... if possible, even more so. It is the SITUATION that makes me dread it.


Also, what happened to all those talks from before in which you apparently 'stroked my ego' and compared me with the other? Where was the truth you told me passion-wise? Because I sure as hell ain't seeing it now.


I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm FUCKING DISAPPOINTED.

And you of all people KNOW that I hate people beating around the bush; if there is something that you're not happy with, fucking TELL ME.

Please.


우리는 그렇게 가까이하는 데 사용하지만, 그 날 후에 내가 녹음 시간을 착각하면 일이 예전의 상태로 돌아갈 수 없지 있습니다. 미안 해요, 심지어 내 결백을 보여 주겠다고하지만 이후 매우 다르게 나 치료를했습니다.

이 모든이 끝난 후 내 말 명심하게, 난 당신을 앉아이 이상 수행을 함께 얻을거야. 난 병이 모든 치료 빌어 먹게 피곤해. 이 유적의 관계를한다면, 그럴 수. 적어도 나는 정직이고 실제로 문제의 하단에 가져 오기를 원했습니다.

*insert bitter sigh here*

Hello.

It's been a very long while, I know.

And honestly, this post isn't gonna be a very cheery one either.


In a way, I guess it's good to know that... whenever I seem to be a little preoccupied in something else other than dance, something will happen that will remind me just how much I can't live without it.

It's as if every time I get  sidetracked, someone up there (Gino, maybe?) will make something happen to make me realise WHY I'm doing what I am. WHY I'm sticking around. WHY I have to take another job for me to realise it.

Recently, I got a job offer at Vistana. Which is all good, but should I take it, I would have to stop teaching Ballet. And I guess you could say that I freaked out.

Silently, that is.

I managed to live without ballet for two years in Uni, but that was because there were other dances there that I could take to fill up the void space in me.

If you've read my other blog entries at any time, you will know how I always gush about dancing in general; not just ballet. The main reason that that's the only thing I rant about is because that's the only genre of dance that I know of. 

Sadly.

So you can imagine how I feel when my friends are able to go for dance/ballet shows, performances, and courses, when I have to stay back, pretend it doesn't bother me as much as it does, and smile.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts that I can't go? How much it hurts when I hear my friends talking about what and how much they've learnt, and I have no clue whatsoever? Worse, that I can't even take classes to learn them, and have to rely on what I've learnt throughout my years with Gino - which although is VERY useful in most areas, lacks in some as well because he was never detailed?

Like now, regarding the new RAD syllabuses for Grades 1-3.

I only vaguely know it from the DVD I've watched. And like Lika has said numerous times, the videos can only be used for reference. So I hardly know the new syllabus. I only know the old one, having, of course, danced it myself.

There was a course recently in Singapore for these new grades. To teach the correct methods and steps of the dance.

And of course, I couldn't go.

It was too expensive for me. 

So I still have no clue about the proper way of how it's done.

Yes, I could be spending most of my free time in the studio, observing and learning. But there's only so much I can let Lika do for me without feeling like I'm somewhat 'cheating'.. that I'm expecting her to teach me all this, for free.

So I'm back to square one.

All because I can't afford it.

Don't be mistaken; I'm not being unthankful here. I'm very much aware that I was able to go to the Vaganova workshop in November last year, and the very recent International Ballet Gala.

But that's just it. I have to fork out my own money to go to these events (bear in mind that there's also the travel expenses and the food money), and I've already used up so much.

True, I'm working now and even before I took up my recent receptionist job, but let's be honest here: the money I was making teaching ballet was barely able to cover up any expense whatsoever (because I was not doing it full time, and lack experience). If it was, I wouldn't have even considered taking another job. Teaching ballet alone was enough to make me happy.

And just when I was contemplating on whether I should stop teaching ballet for the time being and focus on my job as a receptionist, I saw Ice dancing today.

If anyone I know from the studio happens to read this, I'll confess this to you now: my heart hitched at my throat when I saw her dancing to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years, and I can honestly say that I knew, by watching her dance, that if I were to see her dance for real during the wedding performance, I'd cry.

I love performing, and I love dancing. But I am also VERY aware that I'm no Alina Somova or Maria Kochetkova. Heck, I'm not even close to Miko Fogarty.

They say that in dance, it doesn't matter how good you are; you just have to have the passion and the drive.

But what if you do; what IF, you just can't get enough 'sources' to help you improve?

Sure, I could buy a bunch of DVDs and books and stuff and learn from them. But with no one to correct me, how would I know that what I'm doing is not a wrong technique or something? I mean sure, it's ok if you just want to learn for fun. But to learn something wrongly; to learn the improper method, it would only be harder to correct in the future.

And I don't want that.

Where Did The Time GO??

I'll be going to Singapore tonight.
Holy cow, where has the time gone?
I'm so excited, I'm either fidgeting or spacing out the whole day.

But.. ah~ That's.. normal. >_>
I haven't even started packing yet, and whenever I think of packing, I get so restless because I'm worried I might forget to bring or do something. >_<
I hate Post-Travelling Anxiety.. =_=

Another One Of My Childish Confessions...

I haven't been writing, I know..
I'm either too busy to or I just plain have nothing to write about.
My practical is still going on, for I dunno how much longer.
The supposed inspection on the 6th week never came. In fact, there was no news from my sad excuse of a college ever since practical started.

Anyways, I'm not here to ramble on about my pathetic college life.
I'm here to post another of my many worries, so you'll be forgiven if you wanna just not read this entry.

Main topic of the day: Ms Chua.

Instead of going to Ms Tam every now and then in KL, it looks like we're now having Ms Chua come over every once in a while to teach us and check on our work.
And unlike Gino, She won't let us drink when we're thirsty.
She gives her students one water break if they have a six hour class.
I won't even bother mentioning how dehydrated I'd be by then.
Three hours with Ms Chua in Terengganu with Shu Cia, and my tongue literally dried up.

I'm not kidding.

Then there's the other factor that unlike Gino, Ms Chua is more work, close to nil talk.
I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, but that means more work, and you can count on her to make you do an exercise until you get it right.
No matter how many times that would take.

Which brings me to the first major reason I'm nervous about going to Ms Chua's classes.

1. Pirouettes

Let's face it, I suck at pirouettes.
No, more than suck. Me + double pirouettes = NOT good.
I entered Lika's class being her junior, seeing as I only joined her class because the other girls in my group fled to further their studies.
So technically, I'm the most 'beginner' one.
It's an extremely poor excuse, actually, I know.

So in Ms Chua's class, I tend to stand out.
Because I suck at pirouettes.
Lika's pirouette has improved, and she's MUCH better than me at it.
Which makes me stand out even more.
Not that I don't want to be corrected and improve myself, goodness no..
It's just the embarrasment of not quite getting it, even in this level, when I SHOULD have already been able to master it.

Gino says my foot has a good arch, but compared to my work as a whole, that 'advantage', as it should be called, isn't even close to being an advantage.

So contrary to what Jocelyn/Lixian may say, for my grade, I'm a HORRIBLE dancer.

And that brings me to factor #2:

2. Pointe Work.

I never liked pointe work, even from the start.
Putting all your weight on your poor toes, no less dancing on them, is just cruel.
Especially when you weigh 58kg like I do.
And I have the scars from blisters on my toes to prove it.
Oh, and weak ankles too. I has them. (Intentional sentence structure, fyi.)

I have this fear of twisting my ankles when I go en pointe, so I tend to be extra careful.
And being the huge klutz that I am, I bloody well SHOULD.
And an even bigger fear of mine is twisting my ankles by accident, and not being able to dance again because of it. *Knocks on wood x99999999 times*
Which I hope to God will not ever happen. I'd die if I can't dance anymore.

Ahem.
Back to the original story.

So when Ms Chua teaches, I'll be the one who isn't able to do as much as Lika can, or withstand the pain nearly as much as she can. (Curse my weight.)
I'll be the one struggling to go en pointe without literally breaking my toes while Lika still has the energy/strength left to continue.

It's an extreme contrast, especially when there's just the two of us dancing.
Which is why, I repeat, I'm sorta nervous for the upcoming Ms Chua's class on Tuesday.

Because I'll stand out too much.
Because I'll be the weakest one there.
Because I'd fail.

It's not that I don't try.
God knows I do, especially in Ms Tam or Ms Chua's classes.
But I can't.
And that's what depresses me.