Another dream.. about you.

I had a dream just the other day about Gino. And normally, it's either seeing him from a distance or just talking to him.

But last night's dream was different, I just realised. Last night, there was contact. For the first time ever since his death, I dreamt that I had some form of contact with him.

We were at a studio, and I think they were about to take their exam. It was definitely not Lika's studio though. It was all white in the waiting room, and very spacious. Lika had gone to fetch the 'examiner', as she normally would. And I was waiting at the studio.

Then he appeared, ala Sherlock's Reichenbach Fall. He  looked no different from how he did before; only maybe a tad bit more presentable. =p I remember jumping out of my seat, exclaiming "teacher!" and immediately going up to hug him. He hugged me back tightly (I can still feel the hug even now), promising to explain everything to me after. I just nodded, hugging him back equally tight, throat constricted and 'tears flowing down my ample bosom', as he used to put it. =')

He left to go inside the studio after, and I remember Lika and I eating after that and her confessing that she knew all along that Gino hadn't really been dead. ><

I think I may know why we had contact in this dream; and such a solid one at that. 

As part of the online course that I'm recently taking, one of the work was to 'spend 15 minutes writing a gratitude letter to a person in your life who you have never properly thanked.' Needless to say, I wrote to Gino and said everything I wish I could've said to him before he died.
Normally I'd just write to him occasionally and update him on what's been happening. I HAVE said that there were so many things I wished I could've said to him, but it was never specific.
That day though, I spilled everything out. Everything I wish I could've told him, everything I was thankful for. 

So I'd like to think that it was Gino's way of telling me that everything is okay and that there were no hard feelings and that I'm forgiven. I believe it even more now, after my previous post.

A few years ago, when I was in a particularly hard spot and situation, I asked for a sign that everything would be ok; and he had sent me first a long rainbow, and then a double rainbow later that evening. 

Thank you for this sign, Mr Gino. ♥

Christina Aguilera - Hurt

 4th year on, and I still fall into heaving sobs when I hear this song.

The song itself hit home hard, and the video makes it even worse. The way Christina got the news in the MV was more or less the same way I received my news; only mine was by phone. (I will spare you the agony of re-living my story all over again... so if you want to know/read about my story, you can go here.)

Not having the chance to properly say goodbye to someone very dear to you is the worst thing ever. You tend to go through all the things you wish you had the chance to say, thinking that you could say it next time.

That, coupled with very dear memories, is literally sucking the life out of me whenever I hear this song. If I allow it, I could probably spend a good hour or so crying.

Yes, even now.

It's something that hasn't happened to me ever before this.

If You Could See Me Now...

It was February the fourteen, Valentine's Day 

The roses came, but they took you away

Tattooed on my arm is a charm to disarm all the harm

Gotta keep myself calm but the truth is you're gone

And I'll never get to show you these songs

Dad, you should see the tours that I'm on,

I see you standing there next to Mom

Both singing along, yeah arm in arm

And there are days when I'm losing my faith

Because the man wasn't good he was great

He'd say music was the home for your pain 

And explain, I was young, he would say

"Take that rage, put it on a page, Take the page to the stage, Blow the roof off the place"

I'm tryna make you proud

Do everything you did

I hope you're up there with God 

Saying that's my kid

I still look for your face in the crowd

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

If you could see me now would you recognize me

Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me 

Would you follow every line on my tear stained face

Put your hand on a heart that's was cold As the day you were taken away

I know it's been awhile but I could see you clear as day

Right now, I wish I could hear you say I drink too much and I smoke too much dutch

But if you can't see me now that shit's a must

You used to say I won't know a winner until it cost me

Like I won't know real love till I've loved then I've lost it 

So if you've lost a sister, someone's lost a mom 

And if you've lost a dad, then someone's lost a son

And they're all missing now, and they're all missing now

So if you get a second to look down at me now

Mum, Dad, I'm just missing you now

I still look for your face in the crowd

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

If you could see me now

Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Oh... Oh...
Would you call me a saint or a sinner?

Would you love me a loser or winner?

Oh... Oh...

When I see my face in the mirrorWe look so alike that it makes me shiver

I still look for your face in the crowd

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

I still look for your face in the crowd

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Oh... You could see, you could see me now (You could see, you could see me now)

I remember one of my Facebook friends shared this, and I took a listen. The moment I realised what the lyrics were, I cried.

And I can tell you that I cried rather loud tears.
.. alone, of course.

Today, it's been raining the whole day, and this song was on my playlist. I felt my heart tighten and had to force back tears.
It feels even more melancholy listening to it when it's raining.

It's the 4th year, Mr Gino. And I still miss you like crazy. T____T

Classical Ballet Workshop At FAB (Federal Academy of Ballet) by Kenichi Soki

FIRST, I gotta say this... To go to this workshop was trying for us. It started flooding about a day before our planned trip,and we were so worried we wouldn't be able to go. 

I saw on the flyer of this workshop that the teacher, Kenichi Soki, was very well known and won Teacher of The Year multiple times. I had been looking forward to it ever since I heard of it. 

And then the flood came. Because it rained heavily non-stop for 2 freaking days.

The night before the trip, Lika called to see if the bus trip was still on. They said it was.

I woke up the next morning, excited, and went to shower, before realising, rather last minute, that the blackout that lasted since the night before would cause my water heater to not work. 

And it was still raining. GREAT.

I swear, I have not had a colder shower in my LIFE.

Except perhaps when I was in Korea with the faulty shower heater. Anyways..

We arrived at the bus station and waited for our bus. It came not long after, but one of the Sani staff (the name of the bus company we used) was seen walking to and fro, on the phone with who knows who. So we managed to get on the bus, which was COLD. I don't get cold easily, but it was cold. We waited in the bus for half an hour before another Malay passenger came in and informed us that the trip 'tak jadi (was cancelled)', and that they would refund our tickets.

We were bummed. I SO thought we were able to go after all, and I was kinda hoping to meet aunty Norma. It was also then that we actually saw the extent of the damage caused by the flood the day before at the terminal:

Mud COVERED the floor of the waiting hall, as well as the parking lot. There were many cars that were submerged in the flood, and therefore couldn't move. All I could think of was how happy car repair workshops would be after the flood, with the amount of cars in which water seeped into the exhaust.

That's it, we thought. Bye bye course. I was disappointed, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the slightest bit relief, because truth is, I was a wee bit worried about leaving my family amidst all the chaos. My dad was suffering from gout as it is, and couldn't move fast; and, as much as I love my mum, she'd be useless if anything were to happen to our house. Especially with Ivan literally following her everywhere she goes.

But then Lika was informed that one of Kevin's friend would be going to KL, and that we might be able to make it after all, though later.

Long story short, we didn't make it as the highway was still flooded. So we agreed for the next day instead.

We would miss the first class, but we were hoping to go real early so as to not miss much of the second; even better if we could make it in time.

And thankfully, we did. We arrived about almost 20 mins to half an hour earlier of the second class. We went in while the first class was still going on.

I sat down, and watched as award-winning teacher Kenichi Soki taught the Grade 5/Inter Found girls. And within minutes, he inspired me. He taught everyone to never say 'no' to your teacher; it's ok to say that you didn't get a combination, but never say no when a teacher asks if you can do it, because you have to try.

He was jokative with that class, and the next, but was stern with the Advanced girls, and rightfully so. Throughout, he spouted wisdom. His passion for teaching shone through throughout. I wished the girls back home could watch him teach, or even better, be taught. Even more than a passionate teacher, he was a brilliant dancer (his turns were FIERCE!). But then again, what could you expect from a world-renowned teacher and dancer?

Me with Kenichi Soki. What a great teacher and dancer.

Not long after the last class of the day started, thunder sounded, and it began raining heavily. I began to get worried that I would not be able to go back that night. More so funded by the fact that when I called Sani earlier, they said that trips to Kuantan from KL would be cancelled until Sunday due to the flood. But.. we were able to come to KL without trouble... so... why? Thankfully I wasn't going back by Sani, but Transnational.. and I had called them, and they said trips would be going on as usual.

But the sudden downpour of rain worried me. It was heavy, too. I wouldn't mind staying the night, and if possible, attending the next day's Neo Classical workshop, but there were 3 main factors preventing me from wishing the rain continued:

1) My family back home, of course,

2)My ever-growing money shortage, and

3) no change of clothes.

But all went well, and here I am, back home safely, writing this post. The flood has gone down too, even in the most affected areas. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you Kenichi sensei for a wonderful workshop! ^^

My 'Therapy' 3 Years Ago.

It's nice to know that my dance blog is finally getting revived after almost 5 months of abandonment.

It's also nice to know that I seem to find inspirations (though often a few months too late) in the randomest things. Take right now, for example.

I'm packing my stuff to go to KL in a few hours for this Dance Anatomy and Kinesiology Workshop, and I come across this form of 'therapy' that I've used 3 years ago.

What is it, you ask?

This BOOK.

And what is this 'therapy', I hear you ask?

3 years ago, when I was in my first semester in university, Gino (my ballet teacher) passed away. Because everything happened so suddenly, and back then, I was still in the process of getting a hang of the stuff around there, it came as a huge shock, and it was hard for me to accept. It still is, even now.

So instead of crying my eyes out every now and then when I went to dance practices in the Dance Club there, or started listening to the syllabus music, I 'started therapy' on myself the best way I knew how; expressing it through writing.

I would write these 'letters' to Gino, as if he could read it personally. I wrote them to him to tell him about how I've been doing, about how sorry I felt not being able to properly thank him for everything he's done for me.

Yes, I blurred the contents on purpose. ;p

Although I knew all too well that I would literally be writing to myself, it did help coping with the grief that much better.

Though I must say, I haven't written in it in 3 years.  But just because I haven't written in the longest time, doesn't mean I'm completely over his death.

I just might write another entry in that book tonight; who knows?

Be Grateful. Please.

I've whined and moaned too much on this blog, I know.

So this time, I'm making a plea.

It will be a short one, so just hear me out.


For all of you lucky ones... Those who teach.. those who have the chance to perform and/or compete... even those who go for dance classes, regardless what kind of dance... 


Please. Be thankful for it.


Be thankful that you're dancing.

If it's not your cup of tea, STOP. Dancing requires passion to improve. It's a VERY demanding industry, so don't even think of making it with only talent alone. Talent can only get you so far, but it takes passion and love for the art to get you through the extremely trying times that will come.

If you're just taking it as a hobby, then learn well.

NEVER take it for granted.

Because, know that there are people dying to dance, but whom for whatever the reason, can't.

You have no idea how heartbreaking it is to see someone take dance for granted when all we've ever wanted to do was to dance.


So please.

If you don't like it, stop.

If you do, work hard and appreciate all the blood, sweat and tears that your teacher has put in to train you to be the best that they're able to.


Because somewhere in the corner or a darkened place, is a girl wishing she could be in your place right now.

Wishing that she could be the one that is able to attend classes every week. Wishing that she was the one who has to rush to class in between tuitions and school activities. Wishing that it was her the teacher was scolding, even.

And I'm not ashamed to reveal... that I know of such a girl.


Because one of them is me.


Ever since I have been forced to stop dancing, I felt as if I've lost my purpose. I'm employed, but not in the dance field. I've hopped from job to job, but none of them gave me as much satisfaction or pleasure as dance did.

When I see adverts to ballet shows or dance showcases that I can't afford to go to, I feel depressed. Upset. I cry. Yes, cry. Not because I'm left out in a 'field trip' of some sort, or because I missed out on an opportunity to show off to the others when I get back. But because I can't learn more.

Too often have I seen and heard about kids or their parents not being thankful for what their child is privileged to have. 

I've seen uptight parents who do not approve the mere scolding of their child in class, because he or she is 'too young' to understand; when in fact, I have seen kids younger than them who have gone through the same thing and took it in their stride better; and have improved tremendously.

I have seen kids who are old enough to understand reason, take their classes for granted. 

It's just dance class, they say. It's only a hobby. Academics are more important.


I acknowledge that.


But what you may not understand is that dance is probably one of THE most competitive art form. We strive for as much perfection as we can. We take our passions and our work very seriously. 


There is a time to work and a time to play. And make no mistake; we don't confuse the two at all.

So PLEASE.

Dance is a beautiful and even sacred thing. Never take dance for granted if you are privileged enough to learn it or be a part of it.

EVER.

Coincidence?

On the 9th of June, I will be going to KL to watch Men In Tutus. Lika and I were going on about it yesterday, which probably contributed to the dream.

I was at the old studio again (note how most dance dreams are at the old studio), and of course, Gino was teaching. First he was teaching some kids, and then, Lixian. Oddly though, she had a spiky 'do. O.o

Then I was supposed to go out with Seow Hui and Lika somewhere (to eat, probably), so I got ready my purse and all beforehand, leaving my ballet bag behind. But for some reason when it was time to go, I couldn't find my purse, the most important one. And the irritating thing was that every time I walked down the stairs, I would remember that I had forgotten to take something. ==

Then when we got back (I dunno how I went out with literally nothing with me), Gino was still teaching Lixian, and she was crying, but she was surprisingly optimistic. She said something like it was okay because after all, Gino wanted the best for her. O_o Wow, Lixian. =p

But the whole point is... up till today, I still miss Gino. VERY much so.

3 Years After..

Today, my friends and I went to a Karaoke nearby.
When I arrived, they were already there and had already sang a couple of songs.
Most of it began with Backstreet Boys and a couple of Malay songs. As I was singing along to one of the songs, I saw one friend chose Christina Aguilera's Hurt. I stiffened a little, but then decided that I'd be okay as long as I didn't sing.

Well you guessed it. I got passed the mic to sing with one of my friends. Knowing that they'd bug me if I didn't sing, I took the mic quietly and sang.
I tried not to pay too much attention to the lyrics, and even then, I felt my throat tighten a little.
Then came the bridge.

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this 

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do, To have just one more chance To look into your eyes and see you looking back"

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this... "

I choked.

I couldn't sing it.

I felt my tear ducts fill and hurriedly blinked it away before it could spill.

I pretended to be distracted with something, and just passed the mic over to another friend.


Most of the time, I realise, whenever I think of Gino, I get so upset because I miss how things were.

There have been so many things that have changed since Gino's passing, and I have to admit that I miss the old times. A LOT.

Back then, I guess you could say that I was more 'involved'. I had classes 2-3 times a week, and although it was professionally very little, I loved it. I also loved the company. The friends. That close bond we had.

Yes, HAD.

There have been so many who have gone their different ways that I feel I'm somewhat losing touch of the 'old memories'. Even those who are still here now have seemed to have sort of gotten over the grief a long time ago.

All I have is my blog to reminisce about the old memories; because I'm not boring anyone to death with my stories; anyone reading this can just close my page if they don't like what they're reading. And at this rate, I feel as if I'm the only one who still cries every time I hear songs that relate to him, and feel saddened even at the mere mention of him. I feel like I seem to be the only one who's heart breaks whenever I think back on those times.

Because everyone seemed to have moved on.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me and my 'attachment' issue. 

Then again, back at the old studio was where most of my happy memories of dancing came from. 

The old times.

I know change can be good in life. 
Everyone needs a change now and then. 

But this change has... disconnected me, if you will.

Priorities have changed. I daresay that some of the 'joy' has even... evaporated due to the change.

Now there is so much I've been missing out on, that I've become left behind. Different circumstances have also made me unable to keep up.

I left uni to come back and teach. And I know that in my current situation, I have to be patient, but...

I guess you could say I've lost touch. I am not needed to be as involved as I was. And back then, all I knew WAS being involved.

And all because I lack financially.

Haha.

If I was financially able, I would have learnt the new syllabus. I would have taken the qualification needed to take a teaching course. I would be able to pay my way through the course what with travel expenses and all. I would be able to get my certificate and be a certified teacher.

But I can't.

And it hurts me so fucking much.

I'm not getting any younger. The odds are getting thinner at me getting anything close to a dance career. And I don't mean in just ballet.

But of course, if it's possible I want a proper teacher; one with credible and proper experience; not those who just learn from music videos. 


Well.

I've started rambling and going way out of the point now. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is... I miss how things were. I miss my participation, and I miss the old company. It's just not the same.

I Saw....

This will just be a short little reminiscing post. 

Yesterday, we had a Chinese New Year Yee Sang Preview Dinner at Vistana. As we were getting the program list ready, I noticed there was a performance titled 'The Wong Sisters'.

I knew that my Sales Manager knew Lixian and her sisters, so I asked if it was them performing tonight. She said yes.

I was excited to see Jermaine and Jovian again. Lixian has already gone back to ICOM, so she wouldn't be there, but all the same, I was very much looking forward to seeing Jovian and Jermaine again.

It has been TOO LONG.

Of course, they didn't notice me when they first got on stage to perform. I was sitting somewhere in the middle of the hall, and the lights were dimmed so it's definitely hard to  recognise people from the stage.

But I couldn't NOT say hello; I didn't even know if I had a chance to meet them after the dinner, so I excused myself from the table and went to where they were beside the stage.

They were shocked to see me; probably they didn't expect to see me there.

The moment I saw them and their shocked faces, my mind immediately went back to Gino's studio. I was happy to see them, definitely, but at the same time, sad that the last I saw of them were at the old studio. So the memories tying me to them are of the old times at the studio.

They're both so tall and grown up now; when I left for uni, they were still small kids. SO MANY THINGS have changed since I left, and what I would do to turn back the time to when everything was as it was before.

It was nice meeting them. Although not long, I was happy seeing them for a few minutes.

Dance Moms Season 3, & Some other things...

So.. yeah.

Dance Moms Season 3 is here after what feels like forever.

I just finished watching the pre-show interviews (Smoke Before The Fire) and the first episode.

And as I'm watching new mom Shelly try to fit in with the Dance Moms (especially Christi),  I found myself leaning more towards Shelly's opinions rather than Christi.

And finally, I fully understood why Abby teaches the way she does.

Yes, I FINALLY figured it out after 2 1/2 seasons. ><

After constantly hearing Abby preach about good technique and performance quality and whatnot, and knowing how 'high standards' her dancers are due to her very demanding criteria, it hit me.

The reason she's so strict and always finds the kids' faults instead of praising them, is because she wants them to constantly improve themselves. I guess she thinks that if she praised them too much, it would get into their heads and make them think that maybe, "hey, Miss Abby praised me so I must've done pretty darn good," and if she praised them a lot, maybe they'd think they were already very good and wouldn't put much effort to correct themselves anymore.

So by constantly reprimanding them, she creates this desire and want for the kids to impress her; to gain her approval. And by craving her approval, they would have to push themselves harder and harder every time; thus constantly improving themselves along the way.

Yes, I finally got it.

And to be honest, I would act exactly like how Shelly did.

I mean, she's the new mom, and her daughter just got the lead role in the group number. When Christi asked Shelly to tell Abby that Ally won't dance if the 'angel' role became a solo, of course Shelly wouldn't do it. It's the time her daughter gets to shine and show Abby that Ally is worth it; how could she tell that to Abby?

And Shelly's right in a way; who is she to question the dance teacher? Of course you have to voice it out if the teacher crosses the line, but as of then, it's all good. And I mean, of course I can understand the other mom's dilemma as well, so.. I'm kinda torn with opinions, really. Hahaha. =p

But I just wish Christi would see it in Shelly's perspective though. Of course you could tell that to Abby if y'all have been together for so many years and are practically family, but Shelly is new and you can't expect her to give the same amount of loyalty to the other moms when she hardly know them! 

Which... brings me to my next, rather related topic, to be honest.

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that in almost every post, there would be some declaration of how much dance means to me. I have never put much thought into it; ever since that fateful day years ago when Lika taught my group our double classes and showed us that ballet need not be all strict rules and CAN be fun.
And yes, you've probably read about that in a few of my previous entries, so you would know that dance is everything for me. I grew up on dance and while I'm VERY MUCH AWARE that my technique and 'size'; if you want to go there, isn't of 'ideal' proportion, especially for my age, it never really bothered me.

Don't get me wrong though, of course I try to take the corrections I've been given and apply them as much as I am able to.
But it never really bothered me that my dance skills are not up to par as others my age should, because here in the small town of Kuantan in Pahang (which, as of 2012, has the population of 366,229 people - Pahang, I mean), learning ballet itself is a rather unique thing, because there are only two ballet studios in Kuantan.

Up till about middle last year, when I started watching Dance Moms, that is.

Ever since I watched that reality show, it opened my eyes to just how talented kids are nowadays; and I'm talking about 13-year-olds and below. The standards have been notched up SO high now, that looking at the girls' dancing, when I was their age, I couldn't do a even a quarter of the tumbling they were doing.

Partly, I guess, due to the fact that I have never danced professionally; it has always been leisurely, also due to financial issues amongst others.

Dancers nowadays, if they want to dance professionally, REQUIRE tumbling and technique classes. I never had any of those.

Dancers who want to dance professionally take at least 5 classes per week, each ranging from 2-3 hours per class, sometimes more. I take 2 classes per week; 3 at most, 2 hours max.

So the more I reality hit me at how far behind I am compared to others HALF my age (of course I knew I was nowhere near as good at them, but this was kinda a slap to my face), the more I ranted about how I wish I could take more classes; how I envied kids whose parents fully support their dance both emotionally and financially, and how I wish I had the chance and had the money to do so.

I was also very aware that the other girls who had been grades below me are in fact, overtaking me now because they were able to afford going to courses and still take classes.

It sucks knowing how much I want to take those courses and continue taking classes as well,but can't due to financial restraints, but I tried not to let that bother me although, very obviously, it did.

Still, though, I made dancing a part of my life wherever I could. I started teaching adults, though it were VERY few.

So I was utterly flabbergasted when my passion was questioned. My first, initial reaction was a blow up. I was close to exploding. Because I thought it was well known the reason why my participation is not as active as the rest. 
But I did not blow up. I bit my tongue and explained.

After that, I myself began to question my passion. I mean I thought I was an okay dancer. Not brilliant, not great, but at least I qualified as a dancer. 

But that statement made me think. Was I really even as 'okay' as I thought I was? Was dancing even suitable for me? (Yes, hearing that now, I want to slap myself.) 
I even had the scariest thought a dancer could have: should I just stop dancing all together?

I started imagining my life without dance in it. I thought of all the weekends I'd be spending at home, doing nothing. Of all the dance shows I'd watch, and started imagining that if I really stopped dancing, how I would react to that.

And something snapped.

I came across the music video of The Script & Will.I.Am's song, Hall of Fame.

Sure, I've heard that song a few times, but when I watched the music video and paid attention to the lyrics, I understood.

My brain literally slapped itself.

"Are you fucking kidding me??" It literally said.




I watched the video; and cried.

Part of me was disappointed in myself; how could I even let such a thought infest my mind?

Stop dancing completely? Was I crazy??

And then I realised: I was just going through what the deaf ballerina in the video is going through. Whispers and rolled-eyes, snickers and sneers. If I give up now I'm definitely going to regret it later.

Moral of the story is, I know I'm still not dancing professionally (DUH). I know I'm probably no where near (farther now, in fact/to be honest) being able to do the kind of acrobatic stunts that are required of a serious dancer.

But I also know that I happen to be teaching. Whether it is just 1 student or 100, I'm still teaching. And that already gives me a chance to dance. Sure, I would LOVE to do other genres of dance. It's DEFINITELY on my list. 

But I know that for a good few years probably, I wouldn't be able to due to my financial crisis. I am also aware that I'm not young anymore, and that the chance of a professional dance career are already out of reach.

But I'm not giving up hope.

Anything can happen within the next few years, so while I've accepted that my performances on stage have been limited, at the same time, I'm hopeful.

As long as I can walk, I will incorporate some form of dance in my life. I will never let anyone question what I love again; because like I mentioned before, I don't care if others take no notice of my efforts or fail to see it. As long as I know that I have put in effort. I won't let others determine if I've put in effort or not, because at the end of the day, I know, and God knows.

Just A Little Update...

If you don't already know... We're having a concert this Sunday, 16th December 2012.

It will be our first concert without Mr Gino, and I can tell you, things couldn't be more different.

What do I mean by 'different' exactly?

In every sense, really. So very different.

But I shall not dwell on that, because if I do and I get carried away, this entire post will be about why it's so different.
And I do not want to do that, because there is this... emotion in me, if you will, that is not very stable at the moment, and I'm afraid that if I don't control it, I might burst out and cause a ruckus.

So yeah.

Another thing related to what I'm about to post would be this: The fact that whatever left of the younger students who have also grown up with Gino; as in those who had been taught by Gino since they were in Pre-Primary up to his death, is probably the only thing I have left; whatever little 'grasp' I have of the old times, basically.

For me it just creates a kind of 'bond', if you can call it that, between me and the students because they know Gino and have been under his teachings as well, so they'd know and understand what I mean when I mention something about the old times.

They are also the only people who have not changed since the good old times... in a good way.


If you have been reading my blog or know me, you'd know that I have a solo this upcoming concert. Unfortunately it's merely a simple choreography, because I didn't have the time to choreograph a proper one due to my other inclinations. 

That, and I admit that I'm horrible at choreographing. 

So naturally, I get a bit self-conscious when I dance it out in front of everyone during rehearsals. And it wasn't until about 2-3 weeks ago that I 'finished' my choreography.

Thankfully though, by the time it's my turn to dance, not too many people are watching because they'd either be busy getting ready for their numbers or doing some other stuff.

And since then, every time I finished my number, there are these 3 kids who never fail to clap for me: Michelle, Irene, and Loi Eean. And sometimes, the Intermediate Foundation girls as well.

What's the big deal, you ask?

There were no claps for the other dances. Not unless one of the 'teachers' asked them to clap.

They would grin the kind of grin that let you know they truly liked it, and clap the moment I took my bow.

It's nothing much, but little kind gestures and acts like these really get me because I'm a big ol' sappy woman. When they clap, I smile at them, hoping they'd get the message that I was thankful for them being supportive of me.

It means a lot when someone is sincerely supportive of me or appreciates me, regardless of age. I've always yearned to be more than just 'a teacher' (if you really COUNT me as a teacher, that is *eyeroll*). I want to be someone they look up to; not just in dance.


So when they clap for me... Although I know that the standard of my dancing is really low compared to others my grade, but as they grin at me as they clap, I'm kinda hoping that in a way, I'll inspire them. If not in dance, then in one way or another.

So if you ever happen to come across my blog: Irene, Loi Eean and Michelle... Thank you.

It may not mean much to you, but know that your little gesture means something to me. Even more so at this time when there's something internal going on for me. You know not of it; and I'd like to keep it that way for now, so just.. thank you.

I love you girls!

*insert expression of utmost belief here*

Wow. I'm speechless.

And for the first time (not in my life, but where my passion is concerned), it's not a good kind of speechless.

I feel like I've been betrayed constantly time and time again that I'm surprised I still get so surprised by it.

I really want to keep doing it, but it's hard when what you do is not even acknowledged, and you're treated so differently.

I do ONE thing that apparently stands in the way of me being actively involved, and I get isolated like this. When I DO participate actively and pour my time and blood and sweat into it, it gets overlooked and I still don't get recognition for my contributions.

Well I'm sorry I don't have enough money like the rest to continue my classes. I'm sorry I can't afford to go for courses and extra classes to 'better myself' up. Tch, if I HAD the money, you wouldn't even have to ask; the moment there's an opportunity, I'd grab it before you can even invite me.

It's VERY hard, I must say. When you're trying your best to get involved any way you can, but no one is taking you seriously, and they're instead treating you like you yourself had opted out.

NO.

The circumstances forced me to add another commitment into my life, in which you were the one who suggested in the first place.

I wanted to focus solely on what I love; it's the MAIN reason I stopped uni in the first place. But because it couldn't support me and my dad has been constantly on my case to get a 'better, well paying job', I was forced to put my commitments someplace else.

This situation is making me dread practises. But I know that I still LOVE my passion... if possible, even more so. It is the SITUATION that makes me dread it.


Also, what happened to all those talks from before in which you apparently 'stroked my ego' and compared me with the other? Where was the truth you told me passion-wise? Because I sure as hell ain't seeing it now.


I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm FUCKING DISAPPOINTED.

And you of all people KNOW that I hate people beating around the bush; if there is something that you're not happy with, fucking TELL ME.

Please.


우리는 그렇게 가까이하는 데 사용하지만, 그 날 후에 내가 녹음 시간을 착각하면 일이 예전의 상태로 돌아갈 수 없지 있습니다. 미안 해요, 심지어 내 결백을 보여 주겠다고하지만 이후 매우 다르게 나 치료를했습니다.

이 모든이 끝난 후 내 말 명심하게, 난 당신을 앉아이 이상 수행을 함께 얻을거야. 난 병이 모든 치료 빌어 먹게 피곤해. 이 유적의 관계를한다면, 그럴 수. 적어도 나는 정직이고 실제로 문제의 하단에 가져 오기를 원했습니다.

*insert bitter sigh here*

Hello.

It's been a very long while, I know.

And honestly, this post isn't gonna be a very cheery one either.


In a way, I guess it's good to know that... whenever I seem to be a little preoccupied in something else other than dance, something will happen that will remind me just how much I can't live without it.

It's as if every time I get  sidetracked, someone up there (Gino, maybe?) will make something happen to make me realise WHY I'm doing what I am. WHY I'm sticking around. WHY I have to take another job for me to realise it.

Recently, I got a job offer at Vistana. Which is all good, but should I take it, I would have to stop teaching Ballet. And I guess you could say that I freaked out.

Silently, that is.

I managed to live without ballet for two years in Uni, but that was because there were other dances there that I could take to fill up the void space in me.

If you've read my other blog entries at any time, you will know how I always gush about dancing in general; not just ballet. The main reason that that's the only thing I rant about is because that's the only genre of dance that I know of. 

Sadly.

So you can imagine how I feel when my friends are able to go for dance/ballet shows, performances, and courses, when I have to stay back, pretend it doesn't bother me as much as it does, and smile.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts that I can't go? How much it hurts when I hear my friends talking about what and how much they've learnt, and I have no clue whatsoever? Worse, that I can't even take classes to learn them, and have to rely on what I've learnt throughout my years with Gino - which although is VERY useful in most areas, lacks in some as well because he was never detailed?

Like now, regarding the new RAD syllabuses for Grades 1-3.

I only vaguely know it from the DVD I've watched. And like Lika has said numerous times, the videos can only be used for reference. So I hardly know the new syllabus. I only know the old one, having, of course, danced it myself.

There was a course recently in Singapore for these new grades. To teach the correct methods and steps of the dance.

And of course, I couldn't go.

It was too expensive for me. 

So I still have no clue about the proper way of how it's done.

Yes, I could be spending most of my free time in the studio, observing and learning. But there's only so much I can let Lika do for me without feeling like I'm somewhat 'cheating'.. that I'm expecting her to teach me all this, for free.

So I'm back to square one.

All because I can't afford it.

Don't be mistaken; I'm not being unthankful here. I'm very much aware that I was able to go to the Vaganova workshop in November last year, and the very recent International Ballet Gala.

But that's just it. I have to fork out my own money to go to these events (bear in mind that there's also the travel expenses and the food money), and I've already used up so much.

True, I'm working now and even before I took up my recent receptionist job, but let's be honest here: the money I was making teaching ballet was barely able to cover up any expense whatsoever (because I was not doing it full time, and lack experience). If it was, I wouldn't have even considered taking another job. Teaching ballet alone was enough to make me happy.

And just when I was contemplating on whether I should stop teaching ballet for the time being and focus on my job as a receptionist, I saw Ice dancing today.

If anyone I know from the studio happens to read this, I'll confess this to you now: my heart hitched at my throat when I saw her dancing to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years, and I can honestly say that I knew, by watching her dance, that if I were to see her dance for real during the wedding performance, I'd cry.

I love performing, and I love dancing. But I am also VERY aware that I'm no Alina Somova or Maria Kochetkova. Heck, I'm not even close to Miko Fogarty.

They say that in dance, it doesn't matter how good you are; you just have to have the passion and the drive.

But what if you do; what IF, you just can't get enough 'sources' to help you improve?

Sure, I could buy a bunch of DVDs and books and stuff and learn from them. But with no one to correct me, how would I know that what I'm doing is not a wrong technique or something? I mean sure, it's ok if you just want to learn for fun. But to learn something wrongly; to learn the improper method, it would only be harder to correct in the future.

And I don't want that.

Inspirational Songs

Ok ok, I know I haven't updated in a LOOOONNNGGG while... I even haven't typed up my Ballet Gala post, and to be very honest, I'm not sure that I'm even going to. ><


No, I haven't lost interest in blogging.. but hey, maybe I WILL post about it after all. We'll see.
What I don't get, however, is how this blog gets more views than my main blog, and I rarely update this one.. O.o


But anyways. This post will just be a cross-post from my main blog, because it involves dance as well. ^^ So click here to read it.^^


Oh, and comment, too? Pretty please?