Another dream.. about you.

I had a dream just the other day about Gino. And normally, it's either seeing him from a distance or just talking to him.

But last night's dream was different, I just realised. Last night, there was contact. For the first time ever since his death, I dreamt that I had some form of contact with him.

We were at a studio, and I think they were about to take their exam. It was definitely not Lika's studio though. It was all white in the waiting room, and very spacious. Lika had gone to fetch the 'examiner', as she normally would. And I was waiting at the studio.

Then he appeared, ala Sherlock's Reichenbach Fall. He  looked no different from how he did before; only maybe a tad bit more presentable. =p I remember jumping out of my seat, exclaiming "teacher!" and immediately going up to hug him. He hugged me back tightly (I can still feel the hug even now), promising to explain everything to me after. I just nodded, hugging him back equally tight, throat constricted and 'tears flowing down my ample bosom', as he used to put it. =')

He left to go inside the studio after, and I remember Lika and I eating after that and her confessing that she knew all along that Gino hadn't really been dead. ><

I think I may know why we had contact in this dream; and such a solid one at that. 

As part of the online course that I'm recently taking, one of the work was to 'spend 15 minutes writing a gratitude letter to a person in your life who you have never properly thanked.' Needless to say, I wrote to Gino and said everything I wish I could've said to him before he died.
Normally I'd just write to him occasionally and update him on what's been happening. I HAVE said that there were so many things I wished I could've said to him, but it was never specific.
That day though, I spilled everything out. Everything I wish I could've told him, everything I was thankful for. 

So I'd like to think that it was Gino's way of telling me that everything is okay and that there were no hard feelings and that I'm forgiven. I believe it even more now, after my previous post.

A few years ago, when I was in a particularly hard spot and situation, I asked for a sign that everything would be ok; and he had sent me first a long rainbow, and then a double rainbow later that evening. 

Thank you for this sign, Mr Gino. ♥

A Bit of Superstition

Err hello.

Yeah I'm aware I haven't written here in the longest time; and trust me, it's not that there's nothing interesting in the Performing Arts department in my life to blog about ( well, maybe it's a little true). But I will say here that updates won't be as often as it once was.

But don't worry, as I will never abandon this blog, just as I will never abandon performing arts in my life.

If you've read my few previous posts, you'll know that it all has one thing in common: Mr Gino Miranda, my late ballet teacher.

So I'm sorry to tell you that this post will not be very different.

I just came across a post in Tumblr about what happens when we die as told by mediums. I can say that I'm a borderline superstitious person, as I've never really had a brush with 'the other side', as some might call it. But I'm open minded towards it.

One of the answered questions were:

Can the dead hear me? 
 Yes, they can hear you all the time all your thoughts/feelings, even though you might not be able to hear them. Your loved ones maybe close to you as the air that surrounds you. They are not gone, they are just at another place. 

And though I may have my doubts in the supernatural, that answer just sent a sense of contentment over me. Like I could literally feel as if a calming wave suddenly brushed through me on the inside.

For some reason it just felt calming and really assuring knowing that Gino had heard everything I've said to him. Yet, as I'm writing this, I realised that I also feel a sense of disappointment that there was no way for him to give me an answer. None that I know of, that is, unless you don't count the time a rainbow appeared after I asked him for a sign that everything was gonna be alright.

My 'Therapy' 3 Years Ago.

It's nice to know that my dance blog is finally getting revived after almost 5 months of abandonment.

It's also nice to know that I seem to find inspirations (though often a few months too late) in the randomest things. Take right now, for example.

I'm packing my stuff to go to KL in a few hours for this Dance Anatomy and Kinesiology Workshop, and I come across this form of 'therapy' that I've used 3 years ago.

What is it, you ask?

This BOOK.

And what is this 'therapy', I hear you ask?

3 years ago, when I was in my first semester in university, Gino (my ballet teacher) passed away. Because everything happened so suddenly, and back then, I was still in the process of getting a hang of the stuff around there, it came as a huge shock, and it was hard for me to accept. It still is, even now.

So instead of crying my eyes out every now and then when I went to dance practices in the Dance Club there, or started listening to the syllabus music, I 'started therapy' on myself the best way I knew how; expressing it through writing.

I would write these 'letters' to Gino, as if he could read it personally. I wrote them to him to tell him about how I've been doing, about how sorry I felt not being able to properly thank him for everything he's done for me.

Yes, I blurred the contents on purpose. ;p

Although I knew all too well that I would literally be writing to myself, it did help coping with the grief that much better.

Though I must say, I haven't written in it in 3 years.  But just because I haven't written in the longest time, doesn't mean I'm completely over his death.

I just might write another entry in that book tonight; who knows?

Coincidence?

On the 9th of June, I will be going to KL to watch Men In Tutus. Lika and I were going on about it yesterday, which probably contributed to the dream.

I was at the old studio again (note how most dance dreams are at the old studio), and of course, Gino was teaching. First he was teaching some kids, and then, Lixian. Oddly though, she had a spiky 'do. O.o

Then I was supposed to go out with Seow Hui and Lika somewhere (to eat, probably), so I got ready my purse and all beforehand, leaving my ballet bag behind. But for some reason when it was time to go, I couldn't find my purse, the most important one. And the irritating thing was that every time I walked down the stairs, I would remember that I had forgotten to take something. ==

Then when we got back (I dunno how I went out with literally nothing with me), Gino was still teaching Lixian, and she was crying, but she was surprisingly optimistic. She said something like it was okay because after all, Gino wanted the best for her. O_o Wow, Lixian. =p

But the whole point is... up till today, I still miss Gino. VERY much so.

3 Years After..

Today, my friends and I went to a Karaoke nearby.
When I arrived, they were already there and had already sang a couple of songs.
Most of it began with Backstreet Boys and a couple of Malay songs. As I was singing along to one of the songs, I saw one friend chose Christina Aguilera's Hurt. I stiffened a little, but then decided that I'd be okay as long as I didn't sing.

Well you guessed it. I got passed the mic to sing with one of my friends. Knowing that they'd bug me if I didn't sing, I took the mic quietly and sang.
I tried not to pay too much attention to the lyrics, and even then, I felt my throat tighten a little.
Then came the bridge.

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this 

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do, To have just one more chance To look into your eyes and see you looking back"

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this... "

I choked.

I couldn't sing it.

I felt my tear ducts fill and hurriedly blinked it away before it could spill.

I pretended to be distracted with something, and just passed the mic over to another friend.


Most of the time, I realise, whenever I think of Gino, I get so upset because I miss how things were.

There have been so many things that have changed since Gino's passing, and I have to admit that I miss the old times. A LOT.

Back then, I guess you could say that I was more 'involved'. I had classes 2-3 times a week, and although it was professionally very little, I loved it. I also loved the company. The friends. That close bond we had.

Yes, HAD.

There have been so many who have gone their different ways that I feel I'm somewhat losing touch of the 'old memories'. Even those who are still here now have seemed to have sort of gotten over the grief a long time ago.

All I have is my blog to reminisce about the old memories; because I'm not boring anyone to death with my stories; anyone reading this can just close my page if they don't like what they're reading. And at this rate, I feel as if I'm the only one who still cries every time I hear songs that relate to him, and feel saddened even at the mere mention of him. I feel like I seem to be the only one who's heart breaks whenever I think back on those times.

Because everyone seemed to have moved on.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me and my 'attachment' issue. 

Then again, back at the old studio was where most of my happy memories of dancing came from. 

The old times.

I know change can be good in life. 
Everyone needs a change now and then. 

But this change has... disconnected me, if you will.

Priorities have changed. I daresay that some of the 'joy' has even... evaporated due to the change.

Now there is so much I've been missing out on, that I've become left behind. Different circumstances have also made me unable to keep up.

I left uni to come back and teach. And I know that in my current situation, I have to be patient, but...

I guess you could say I've lost touch. I am not needed to be as involved as I was. And back then, all I knew WAS being involved.

And all because I lack financially.

Haha.

If I was financially able, I would have learnt the new syllabus. I would have taken the qualification needed to take a teaching course. I would be able to pay my way through the course what with travel expenses and all. I would be able to get my certificate and be a certified teacher.

But I can't.

And it hurts me so fucking much.

I'm not getting any younger. The odds are getting thinner at me getting anything close to a dance career. And I don't mean in just ballet.

But of course, if it's possible I want a proper teacher; one with credible and proper experience; not those who just learn from music videos. 


Well.

I've started rambling and going way out of the point now. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is... I miss how things were. I miss my participation, and I miss the old company. It's just not the same.

*insert expression of utmost belief here*

Wow. I'm speechless.

And for the first time (not in my life, but where my passion is concerned), it's not a good kind of speechless.

I feel like I've been betrayed constantly time and time again that I'm surprised I still get so surprised by it.

I really want to keep doing it, but it's hard when what you do is not even acknowledged, and you're treated so differently.

I do ONE thing that apparently stands in the way of me being actively involved, and I get isolated like this. When I DO participate actively and pour my time and blood and sweat into it, it gets overlooked and I still don't get recognition for my contributions.

Well I'm sorry I don't have enough money like the rest to continue my classes. I'm sorry I can't afford to go for courses and extra classes to 'better myself' up. Tch, if I HAD the money, you wouldn't even have to ask; the moment there's an opportunity, I'd grab it before you can even invite me.

It's VERY hard, I must say. When you're trying your best to get involved any way you can, but no one is taking you seriously, and they're instead treating you like you yourself had opted out.

NO.

The circumstances forced me to add another commitment into my life, in which you were the one who suggested in the first place.

I wanted to focus solely on what I love; it's the MAIN reason I stopped uni in the first place. But because it couldn't support me and my dad has been constantly on my case to get a 'better, well paying job', I was forced to put my commitments someplace else.

This situation is making me dread practises. But I know that I still LOVE my passion... if possible, even more so. It is the SITUATION that makes me dread it.


Also, what happened to all those talks from before in which you apparently 'stroked my ego' and compared me with the other? Where was the truth you told me passion-wise? Because I sure as hell ain't seeing it now.


I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm FUCKING DISAPPOINTED.

And you of all people KNOW that I hate people beating around the bush; if there is something that you're not happy with, fucking TELL ME.

Please.


우리는 그렇게 가까이하는 데 사용하지만, 그 날 후에 내가 녹음 시간을 착각하면 일이 예전의 상태로 돌아갈 수 없지 있습니다. 미안 해요, 심지어 내 결백을 보여 주겠다고하지만 이후 매우 다르게 나 치료를했습니다.

이 모든이 끝난 후 내 말 명심하게, 난 당신을 앉아이 이상 수행을 함께 얻을거야. 난 병이 모든 치료 빌어 먹게 피곤해. 이 유적의 관계를한다면, 그럴 수. 적어도 나는 정직이고 실제로 문제의 하단에 가져 오기를 원했습니다.

It's Been A While...

A VERY long while. =p

So.. just a short recap of what has been going on before I get to the point of my post:

1. I have been teaching Adult Ballet for the 2nd month now, and we're slowly getting more students.

2. Teaching at the kindergarten has not been much of a difference since I first started; only that the kids have warmed up to me completely. ^^

*clears throat*

Ok.

If there's one thing I've realised, it's that I LOVE Jin's videos. They are either really just plain ironic and funny, or funny, with a deep meaning to it.


In fact, his latest video, 'Class Clown', made me cry. It's basically about a new teacher, Alex, who used 'theatrical' methods to teach History to his students, and whom, quite predictably, was opposed to by the headmaster. Only to find out later that Alex's method had indeed worked, and the students scored high marks for the 'pop quiz'. 


What really got to me was the sad fact that VERY RARELY would a teacher go to those lengths to teach their students. Most teachers are all about academic achievement these days, and being all strict and stern to get their students to 'study harder' and achieve 'better grades'. 


Call me dense, but these stern methods don't flow with me. The harsher/ more fierce you are with me,  the higher chance I will rebel and basically not give a SHIT about the teacher and what he/she is teaching. And, they will probably be in my bad books.
FOREVER.


Watching Jin's video made me think back to my lecturers/teachers who have actually made a lasting impact in my life. I can name and count them on the fingers of my ONE hand: Mr Lionel Keith, Ms Azleen, Mr Afi Roshezry and Mr Gino.


MR GINO.


That was probably what started my tears.


My Ballet teacher was probably the only teacher who was SO strict and stern (to the point he had sent NUMEROUS sobbing kids out of class, and some that had been so afraid of him that they'd skip class - yours truly included. xD ), and yet... I was thankful for him. SO VERY THANKFUL.


He grew closer to Lika and I as we got older, and he literally became my second father. 


He sung to the musics in class, and spoke 'Thai' to us (but which was literally just gibberish), and shared his experiences and jokes with us.


Of course, all this wouldn't have been so bad if he had still been around.


He passed away in 2010; when I was in my first year and first semester of university. And what killed me so bad was that I never had the chance to say goodbye, or tell him how much he meant to me.


And he was one of that teachers who left a HUGE impact on my life.


Teachers like these are so rare nowadays. And it's sad that 'over-achievers' think that these rare bunch are ridiculous idiots.


Because they are NOT.


In fact, they'd make better teachers than you fierce-stern lot EVER would.


MR GINO, I STILL MISS YOU.
And you still can make me cry.

Dear....

Dear Mr Gino,


I still cry whenever I hear/see anything that reminds me of you, do you know that? My throat tightens and I have to fight back tears, and I have to revert my thinking before it leaks out of my eyes.


I still miss you so damn much.


Whenever I watch our Dance Drama performance, the words from 18:41 always make me think of you and make me tear up.

Why didn't you give me a chance to say goodbye?

My Dreams Are Trying To Tell Me Something Again...

I've been dreaming a lot about the old studio lately. First, I dreamt that Lika and I were dancing in the old studio.. like old times, as students. Only it wasn't Gino teaching. It was this lady, and she had another 'friend' or helper with her. Something like when Ms Chua would teach us back then I guess.

And then just two nights ago I dreamt that we were in the studio again, this time with Gino there. It felt as it did years ago, long before I joined Lika's class; like when I was still dancing with my group. But I hadn't danced... I guess I had either finished or something. The little girls were having class, and theirs was the last class for the day at nightfall.

After their class was done with, I remember Gino coming out of the room as he always does, to bid the parents and students goodbye. And I also remembered telling him I needed new soft shoes for the coming 'exam'. And I remembered that in the dream, my shoe size was 7 1/2. My shoes weren't particularly tight; I just needed new, clean ones for exam. And then I remembered trying it on.

It may not seem like much of a dream, but I thought I'd pen it down anyways because both dreams involved the old studio; which I terribly miss, by the way. I wish I could go up there for a visit one day and see what has become of the studio. 

I Miss The Family Already.

And I mean my dancing family over here in Kampar. =)
When can we meet up, all of us, again?
Sometime other than the barbecue, mind you. Some can't come (me included). ;p

KitYin & BigJing

RED BULL! ;D

BigJing

Jazzlyn, Nicholas & me

The Emo Dr Broccoli & Cauliflower xD

I miss you all to bits already.

It's Been A While.

But I still do cry at the thought of you.

I'll never forget that call I received on February the 10th... The call that would somewhat change my life.

Whenever I feel upset or need guidance, my heart sinks at the thought that you are not around. At times when I need advice; be it on dance or life in general, I no longer have anyone close to turn to. You always had a way with words.. And a way with names. Haha.

The thing that still never fails to make me cry is the fact that you referred Lika and I as  your 'daughters', and we never found out until after you were gone. Lika had to find it out from Norma, and when she told me, I was out with some friends having dinner. I will never forget that moment either; I had to try so hard not to cry there and then. I couldn't talk for a while, and some tears actually surfaced at that time, but I hurriedly wiped them before they could fall.

Everytime I hear Kiss The Rain, I think of you. Is it foolish, then, that whenever I hear that song, somehow I think that you're giving me a sign that you're watching over me?

And the other day, when I saw that beautiful rainbow in Kampar.. Days after I asked you for a sign.. Would it be foolish if I believed that it was really you giving me a sign; a symbol of hope, maybe?


Anyways, I'm determined to learn KTR on the piano, no matter how long it takes me.
So I can play it whenever I feel like it, and somehow, I know when I do, I will feel a sort of attachment to it; to you.


I still miss you. And I know for a fact that Lika does too.

Proof.

I know, I know. I've been horrible for not properly dancing lately. But if this post makes up for it...


You know, I've come to completely realise something.


I mean, I know about it before, but today, I've come to completely be aware of it, and to embrace it as my... 'drug', if you will.


Whenever I'm feeling a little emotional, or when I feel a little down and/or upset because of something, all I need to do is go to my Youtube, watch all the previous videos I've uploaded, and I'll almost immediately feel better.


Mr Gino has always said that when you come for dance/ballet, leave your problems at the door.  When you dance, you have to enjoy it, feel it; otherwise it wouldn't look nice. Then when you leave the studio, you can pick your problems back up from the door. Lol. xp I'll always remember that. I miss you, Mr Gino.


But I needn't throw my problems at the door.  When I enter the studio, my problems automatically dissolve. I find pleasure in dancing. Even in uni, here, whenever I attend the dance classes, I feel happy. Even if there was a bugging assignment due, I'd momentarily forget about it and just enjoy myself (and then it slaps me in the face later. Hahaha).


Today was such a day. And I happened to be on Youtube, so I just thought of looking back on my past videos. And I feel better now.

The cheering just made me smile. And seeing these people, whom before this we had no idea of their talents; go up and surprise us with their dancing, I think that's really refreshing. ^^

And then there's Zhen Yi's class, which is guaranteed to bring laughter. xD Get well soon, Zhen.

And then, of course, there are the videos that tug at my heartstrings. Such as videos of the old studio, Gino Dance Academy. Videos OF him. They bring back memories, but one that I will never forget and treasure forever. I count myself fortunate to be able to learn under him.

Everyone who knows me knows that I live to dance. I'll die without dance. I'm not even kidding. It's now been a trademark, actually, that whenever Rachel mentions the studio, she knows she'll have my attention. (And I think I've annoyed her several times too with my enthusiasm. =p)

In conclusion, dance is the answer to all my problems. Dance is my drug, my brand of heroin. If I don't get a dose of it for too long, I can't function.

Dance = Life.
And I'm not quitting.  

This Will Be A Short Entry.

Because I just HAD to post this up now, but I can't/don't want to dwell on it too long because I'm currently at the CC, and I"m afraid I'll start bawling my eyes out if I think of it for too long. So here goes.

Remember how all this time, Gino has told mummy how his late wife died giving birth to Mischa? And how he told a different story to one of his sisters, whom told Lika that Gino had 2 other daughters when Lika asked?

Yes.
According to his other sister,  they were between 21-25/26, and studying in England..

I called Lika earlier today out of boredom, and found out the truth about it all; Mr Gino never had 'two daughters'. It seemed that the other sister (who was not as close to Gino as Norma was) might have misunderstood. Norma had told Lika that chances were, the 'two daughters' the other sister meant were actually Lika and I. Because it seemed, Mr Gino talked a lot about us. And it would explain the age range. I was around 20-21 at that time, and Lika was 24-25.

Another thing I found out was where Gino had gotten my 'pet' name, 'Crystal Packing Mama'. It was originally a country song titled 'Pistol Packing Mama', and amongst the people who sang it was Willie Nelson. And that was the only version I had time to listen to, in order not to break down in public. He changed the title of the song and put my name instead.

Ok, I think that's enough for now. Just to write this short entry, I had to distract myself (I couldn't stand writing it all at one shot - and had to take a few breaths to calm myself before continuing)  several times, then continue.

Before I post this, here's the video of Willie Nelson's version of Pistol Packing Mama.
RIP, Mr Gino. You still make me cry.

Someone Spank Me.

Oh, and get your head outta the gutters, people! I don't mean it like that. ;p

I mean that in a way because I haven't been updating my dance blog.
Which means I haven't been dancing.
Properly, that is.

And, those of you who know me very well know how blur I can be, and how long it takes for the little brain of mine to process things.
Well, said 'little brain' has just realised something, now, almost 2 months after it happened.

I was reading through my posts in my other, more general blog (SGA), and I came across something that made me realise something.
In this post in SGA, I mentioned how I promised that I would join UTAR's Dance Club, first and foremost as a tribute to Mr Gino, and that I would not stop dancing.
Then months later, when I finally managed to join the Dance Club, I was elected Assistant Treasurer at the General Meeting.

Could it be, perhaps, Mr Gino's way of making sure that I kept my promise; that I would not stop dancing? Because although I am only the Assistant Treasurer, I'm still part of the committee nonetheless, meaning that I still have to attend 'meetings', and have a say in decisions made for the Dance Club.

I dunno, I may be thinking too much, and probably have made some of you sick with this whole 'Mr Gino thing'.
But it's just a thought.
And it's not impossible, is it not?

Someone's watching over me...

I'm sorry, this will be another emo post.

I knew since the day of his passing that looking back might be a bad idea. But then again, pretending it never happened and completely forgetting would be more of a sin. But looking back has always brought me to tears.

Things are gonna get really emotional (at least for me) beyond this point, but hey, I thought that if I was gonna do some crying, might as well go full frontal, eh?

He never forgot me. My 2nd-3rd week in Kampar, he messaged me.

P/S: I'm writing the message as it is; spelling and all.

13/01/10.
12.41 PM
"Hi ! Hows groovy Kampar treatng u??
Tried d K.Chick biscoitu ! Careful dont eat
too mch u mite fnd feathrs growng on yor Lips.
Wil mis my kristal packing Mamma.
Take care."

After all these years of writing my name in the receipts, he still couldn't spell my name properly. Oh Gino.. I will always be your 'Kristal packing Mamma'.

13/01/10
12.54 PM
"Ah nevr mind - we love to have u in clas - mite
even 4 yor sake comduct d clas in classial Thai!!!"

Well, we all know that that promise never came to be. What I would give to hear his rubbish Thai one last time..

21/01/10
2.11 PM
"Hi I got hear u got speakng on d fon wth Rokiah n she also got abt yor 3 roomates - 2 archiperlehs n 1 chunglungs n all 3 suffers frm verbal diarrhoea. Also mayb u not com hme 4 CNY - n got say u wept bitterly n yor tears flowng down on yor ample bosom - so sorrow. Oh I'm mortified teachnh C'nita G6 C'ractr - making noncnce of d Syllabus n feel like weepng n let d tears flow dwn my kukuchye.
Seeing 2day at 3.45pm. H...E...L..P"

I've always shook my head over his choice of words.. They were nothing short of dirty, but that was what made us like him. He was open. VERY open at that.

Then one of the times he was sick, he sent Lika a message, which she forwarded to me:

08/11/09
10.40 PM
"Rokia do u think u could manage w/out me 4 another week. I'm improving but very slowly - taking G'seng-Esnce of Chickn. If u feel too stressful its ok I'll cancel my thorough chck-up at d Hosp. Anyway by Tues. I can courous enpointe 2 d'toilette then I'll courous to Puduraya. Sakit mau mati can joke-joke."

I think that this would be the message both Lika and I will be killing ourselves over for, for not taking his sickness seriously.
He has been sick before in the past, so I think it never really crossed our minds how serious it was this time. I'm sorry, Mr Gino. If only we knew.

I have a few other messages from him in my other phone, so maybe I'll save those messages for next time. But until then, I'm still waiting for a sign of some sort that he's up in heaven, still shaking his head and watching over his Kristal packing Mamma.

Argh, memories makes me wanna cry. T^T

Yesterday, I went to the old studio. Lika said she had wanted to clear some stuff up (in addition to asking me some stuff about computers; that woman is self-proclaimed computer illiterate xD)

I took a video from the staircase and recorded a footage of the entire studio. To be honest (and I know how crazy this is gonna sound), I was kinda hoping that when I re-watched the recorded footage, that I would somehow see Mr Gino's ghost or apparition or something in the footage. I've been wanting to see him for quite a while now. I don't normally wish to see ghosts, but this time, it's exceptional.

I want to see the ghost or apparition of the man who has seen me grow up; who has seen me progress as a dancer, and whom was literally my 2nd father. I want to see him, thank him, and say a proper goodbye. I want to let him know all that's been happening, although chances are, he already knows. Lika said Norma and her have had signs that perhaps Gino was watching over them. I've yet to feel these 'feelings' or see the signs. Which is why I'm dying for him to show up so I can say a few last words to him. The last I saw him was before I went to Kampar.

If I had known, I would have hugged him.
If I had known, I would have told him then how thankful I was for everything he's done these past 17 years. I'd tell him to speak to me in 'Classical Thai' one last time, and hear perhaps one last dirty joke.
There are so many things left unsaid, so many things to tell.
He was gone too soon.

And now, Norma, Mischa and Lika have agreed to close down the old studio.
The studio I grew up learning ballet in; the place I've been going to for classes for 17 years.
The place I took nearly 6 exams in.
It's gonna be hard saying goodbye to that place.
This Friday (tomorrow, in fact), Lika and I planned a gathering in Gino's studio. Lika already warned that chances are, we're gonna need some tissues. I'm hoping that (as cliche as it may sound,) during that time when most of us will be gathered at the studio together, that Gino will appear before us, then we can maybe each say something to him. But then again, we might be too busy crying to even speak coherently.

Oh wells.
Anyway, here's the vid I took.

*Smacks Head*

I actually forgot to post this. Genius, I am.

So I went back to Kuantan for study week, the main reason being to celebrate my sister's birthday. But since during the duration of my stay, ballet classes would be on, I decided I'd pay the studio a surprise visit. Only Lika and Kathrina knew about it.

So on my way up to the studio, I decided to record the reaction of the students.
P/S: Sorry for the unbelievably shaky footage; I was secretly recording. xD




Of all the reactions, though, I'd say that the best would probably be Sayaka's. Lika had suggested that I hide behind the piano, then pop out when the students came in for Grade 5. And because the students came at various times, I had to hide behind the piano various times as well.  But oh well, at least I had 'entertainment' in the form of watching Tze Ping play the piano.

When Sayaka came and I popped out from behind the piano, her eyes widened and incoherently said "Ooh! You...!". She then ran to me and hugged me, then pulled me out from behind the piano and started spinning me around, and talking so fast I couldn't catch half of it (She IS half Japanese, after all). I think she said something like "OmgwherehaveyoubeenallthistimeImissedyou!" though.

Also that same day, Lika pulled something out from the paper bag beside the teacher's table and said, "Look what I found while cleaning Gino's stash...-" and handed me a bundle of photos.
It was the same bundle that Gino had once showed us, of his old days performing. I've seen them before, but I went through them again forlornly.

I've learnt to deal with the death of Mr Gino, yes. Before, when he had just passed on, I find myself wanting to cry whenever I practised in my room back in my hostel. And whenever I see videos I've taken of the students dancing, particularly with Gino's 'commentary' in the background, I cry. It's sad to think that we'll never hear that again, especially his jokes. I still have the messages that he sent me after I went to Kampar. Silly Gino, always up for a laugh. I had thought that the next time I visit the studio after his death, I'd cry. But I had managed to keep quite well composed. After all, the atmosphere was no different than on Mondays or whenever he couldn't make it to teach, and where Lika would have to replace him.
Then, because the students were being playful, Lika displayed a solo shot of Mr Gino on the table, facing the students, and joked, "Dance nicely ar.. Mr Gino is watching you~" The students laughed, as did I. Sayaka even said it was creepy to have Mr Gino's picture watching her dance.
But as I sat on the chair, I wondered. Are you really watching us from above, Mr Gino? Are you proud of us, of how the students are prepared for the exam? Do you know how much we missed you, and that Norma has been sick since you were gone?
Even as I write this, I have failed to keep my tears in. So I guess, in a way, I was right. Re-visiting the studio after his death would bring so many memories, it hurts. If he were still with us, last week, I would have probably attended our usual Advanced 1 class, probably in Classical Thai. Haha.

But that's probably enough reminiscing the sad memories for now. I'm off to Ann's house for burger! (At 2.40am, wtf.) Maybe I'll edit this later if I find that there's anything I missed.

What Facebook Did.

I've been meaning to create a group for us Premier Dance Academy students for ages.
I've seen the likes of Khoo Academy, SMKTA, and a lot others, and it made me realise that our academy was the only one that didn't have it's Facebook group.


So just yesterday, I was chatting with Mahgaret (heehee~ xD) on Facebook, and I voiced out my idea of creating a group for the academy. She said it was a good idea, and so, the Gino Dance Academy group was born, almost 2 months after his death. >_<


I invited all of his students, former and present, that were in my friends list, to join the group. And the great thing is, it has become the place where all his students can lament about their days and remember the great teacher that he was.
I uploaded pictures and videos that he was in, and it got comments from people I hadn't even known; only to find out that the person had been his student a long time ago.


I guess I'm glad that the group has become a 'reunion place' of sorts, and that I'm able to get in touch with/find students that shared the same, pleasant memories of a great teacher. And most importantly, that no matter how long ago a person had been Mr Gino's student, that he was never forgotten.

Hmm.

I realised that my past few entries have been really emo-ish. And Lika & Kathrina have already 'scolded' me for making them cry-.. again.


So this time, I thought I'd post something on a slightly happier note.
I will not reminisce and rant about the sad stuff; in fact, how about we re-live those happy moments, so that we'll always have something nice/funny to turn to when we're feeling under the weather?


I am attaching here the link to my Photobucket account where all the past ballet videos that I have taken have been uploaded.
Sometimes, it is better that we remember the good times instead.
So here you go.
Enjoy re-living the good memories, girls.

Clicky me for the videos~!

The Memories Are Here To Stay.

I met Lixian at ECM today. She was with Carlmin and another girl.
The moment she saw me, I noticed that her eyes became teary.
She had even admitted so herself.
We hugged, and whenever we look at each other, if even for a few seconds, the tension would be too much and either of us (me, mostly,) would look away, laughing.


She told me that just looking at me makes her want to cry.
Of course, the same can be said for me.


You are missed, Mr Gino.
Still are.
And I think you will be for a very long time.
Neither of us got to say goodbye or thank you.
Why did you have to leave so fast? Your jokes and quips still echo in my brain; the messages you sent me when I was in Kampar have been etched in my mind, and I find myself re-reading it every so often.
Whenever I come across your name under my contacts, I pause.
Sometimes, I feel like just sending a message to the number, just for the heck of it, hoping that somehow, you might be able to read it.
But I know better.


You told me that when I came back to Kuantan and came for class, you'd conduct a class in classical Thai for me.
You promised...


You should be sitting at the teacher's table, one leg resting on the table as you have always did.
You should have been sitting there, scolding us whenever we made mistakes. You should be there, telling us time and time again to throw all our worries at the door when we come for class, because dancing is supposed to make us happy.
You should have been here to pressure us all because exams are coming, and scold us more than usual because you want us to do well.


We've heard all those a thousand times, yet, I don't think we mind hearing them again.
Just so we know that you're still here.
Just so we know that we still have you.


It would be selfish of me to want you to come back, but I think it's not too much to ask, however, if I say that although you are in a better place now, please continue to look over us, your students.
No matter how much we've grown or whether we're adult or children, we'll still need your guidance.
A little nudge from you, maybe, telling us again to leave our problems outside the studio door, and come for class with a light heart and smile.


This song is for you, Mr Gino.