September 10, 2011

Taking a break from studying, and this is what I happened to listen to.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face  
You told me how proud you were but I walked away 
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms I would take the pain away 
Thank you for all you've done 
Forgive all your mistakes 
There's nothing I wouldn't do 
To hear your voice again 
Sometimes I want to call you but 
I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you 
for everything I just couldn't do 
And I've hurt myself 
by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit 
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss 
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong? 
Would you help me understand? 
Are you looking down upon me? 
Are you proud of who I am? 
There's nothing I wouldn't do 
To have just one more chance 
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you 
for everything I just couldn't do 
And I've hurt myself...

If I had just one more day, 
I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away 
Oh, it's dangerous 
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you 
for everything I just couldn't do 
And I've hurt myself 
By hurting you

It's been... What, 1 1/2 years now?
And I feel that this song suits my situation the best. It never fails to make me cry whenever I hear this; it still does.

Because it still kills me that I never got a chance to say goodbye.
It kills me that the last you saw of me involved me saying goodbye to you at my last class before I came to uni.
It kills me, because I never got the chance to thank you for all you've done for me all these 16 years of Ballet.

And I don't think I'll ever get over that.
Knowing how much there was to say, yet... time was so cruel as to not grant us any.
Maybe if I had the chance... To see you one last time before you were gone forever, then maybe I wouldn't be having such a hard time.

Every time something happens to me that has to do with dance, you're the first person I think of. And I always wish you were still around for me to share that joy with.

Your phone number still remains in my phone. I never really got around to deleting it; and I think I probably never will, not as long as I still feel so emotionally attached.

But I don't mind.
But I do wonder sometimes, and hope, that should I call your phone number, will you pick up?
The answer is painfully obvious, because Mischa probably already deactivated your number. Call it a foolish thought.

But I'd like to think that now, even after all the commotion has died down, you are still watching over me. Over us.
Sometimes, I'd like to think that you're sending little signs my way to show that you're keeping watch over me, like that little rainbow last semester. It was a sign of hope for me, and I hope that you will continue giving out little signs to let me know that you've not completely gone.
Because sometimes, I could really use a comforting thought or two.

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