July 20, 2014

Another dream.. about you.

I had a dream just the other day about Gino. And normally, it's either seeing him from a distance or just talking to him.

But last night's dream was different, I just realised. Last night, there was contact. For the first time ever since his death, I dreamt that I had some form of contact with him.

We were at a studio, and I think they were about to take their exam. It was definitely not Lika's studio though. It was all white in the waiting room, and very spacious. Lika had gone to fetch the 'examiner', as she normally would. And I was waiting at the studio.

Then he appeared, ala Sherlock's Reichenbach Fall. He  looked no different from how he did before; only maybe a tad bit more presentable. =p I remember jumping out of my seat, exclaiming "teacher!" and immediately going up to hug him. He hugged me back tightly (I can still feel the hug even now), promising to explain everything to me after. I just nodded, hugging him back equally tight, throat constricted and 'tears flowing down my ample bosom', as he used to put it. =')

He left to go inside the studio after, and I remember Lika and I eating after that and her confessing that she knew all along that Gino hadn't really been dead. ><

I think I may know why we had contact in this dream; and such a solid one at that. 

As part of the online course that I'm recently taking, one of the work was to 'spend 15 minutes writing a gratitude letter to a person in your life who you have never properly thanked.' Needless to say, I wrote to Gino and said everything I wish I could've said to him before he died.
Normally I'd just write to him occasionally and update him on what's been happening. I HAVE said that there were so many things I wished I could've said to him, but it was never specific.
That day though, I spilled everything out. Everything I wish I could've told him, everything I was thankful for. 

So I'd like to think that it was Gino's way of telling me that everything is okay and that there were no hard feelings and that I'm forgiven. I believe it even more now, after my previous post.

A few years ago, when I was in a particularly hard spot and situation, I asked for a sign that everything would be ok; and he had sent me first a long rainbow, and then a double rainbow later that evening. 

Thank you for this sign, Mr Gino. 

June 23, 2014

A Bit of Superstition

Err hello.

Yeah I'm aware I haven't written here in the longest time; and trust me, it's not that there's nothing interesting in the Performing Arts department in my life to blog about ( well, maybe it's a little true). But I will say here that updates won't be as often as it once was.

But don't worry, as I will never abandon this blog, just as I will never abandon performing arts in my life.

If you've read my few previous posts, you'll know that it all has one thing in common: Mr Gino Miranda, my late ballet teacher.

So I'm sorry to tell you that this post will not be very different.

I just came across a post in Tumblr about what happens when we die as told by mediums. I can say that I'm a borderline superstitious person, as I've never really had a brush with 'the other side', as some might call it. But I'm open minded towards it.

One of the answered questions were:

Can the dead hear me? 
 Yes, they can hear you all the time all your thoughts/feelings, even though you might not be able to hear them. Your loved ones maybe close to you as the air that surrounds you. They are not gone, they are just at another place. 

And though I may have my doubts in the supernatural, that answer just sent a sense of contentment over me. Like I could literally feel as if a calming wave suddenly brushed through me on the inside.

For some reason it just felt calming and really assuring knowing that Gino had heard everything I've said to him. Yet, as I'm writing this, I realised that I also feel a sense of disappointment that there was no way for him to give me an answer. None that I know of, that is, unless you don't count the time a rainbow appeared after I asked him for a sign that everything was gonna be alright.

January 30, 2014

Christina Aguilera - Hurt

 4th year on, and I still fall into heaving sobs when I hear this song.

The song itself hit home hard, and the video makes it even worse. The way Christina got the news in the MV was more or less the same way I received my news; only mine was by phone. (I will spare you the agony of re-living my story all over again... so if you want to know/read about my story, you can go here.)

Not having the chance to properly say goodbye to someone very dear to you is the worst thing ever. You tend to go through all the things you wish you had the chance to say, thinking that you could say it next time.

That, coupled with very dear memories, is literally sucking the life out of me whenever I hear this song. If I allow it, I could probably spend a good hour or so crying.

Yes, even now.

It's something that hasn't happened to me ever before this.

January 10, 2014

If You Could See Me Now...

It was February the fourteen, Valentine's Day 
The roses came, but they took you away
Tattooed on my arm is a charm to disarm all the harm
Gotta keep myself calm but the truth is you're gone
And I'll never get to show you these songs
Dad, you should see the tours that I'm on,
I see you standing there next to Mom
Both singing along, yeah arm in arm

And there are days when I'm losing my faith
Because the man wasn't good he was great
He'd say music was the home for your pain 
And explain, I was young, he would say
"Take that rage, put it on a page, Take the page to the stage, Blow the roof off the place"

I'm tryna make you proud
Do everything you did
hope you're up there with God 
Saying that's my kid

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

If you could see me now would you recognize me
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me 
Would you follow every line on my tear stained face
Put your hand on a heart that's was cold As the day you were taken away

I know it's been awhile but I could see you clear as day
Right now, I wish I could hear you say I drink too much and I smoke too much dutch
But if you can't see me now that shit's a must

You used to say I won't know a winner until it cost me
Like I won't know real love till I've loved then I've lost it 
So if you've lost a sister, someone's lost a mom 
And if you've lost a dad, then someone's lost a son
And they're all missing now, and they're all missing now
So if you get a second to look down at me now
Mum, Dad, I'm just missing you now

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
If you could see me now
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Oh... Oh...
Would you call me a saint or a sinner?
Would you love me a loser or winner?
Oh... Oh...
When I see my face in the mirrorWe look so alike that it makes me shiver

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Oh... You could see, you could see me now (You could see, you could see me now)

I remember one of my Facebook friends shared this, and I took a listen. The moment I realised what the lyrics were, I cried.

And I can tell you that I cried rather loud tears.
.. alone, of course.

Today, it's been raining the whole day, and this song was on my playlist. I felt my heart tighten and had to force back tears.
It feels even more melancholy listening to it when it's raining.

It's the 4th year, Mr Gino. And I still miss you like crazy. T____T