Just A Little Update...

If you don't already know... We're having a concert this Sunday, 16th December 2012.

It will be our first concert without Mr Gino, and I can tell you, things couldn't be more different.

What do I mean by 'different' exactly?

In every sense, really. So very different.

But I shall not dwell on that, because if I do and I get carried away, this entire post will be about why it's so different.
And I do not want to do that, because there is this... emotion in me, if you will, that is not very stable at the moment, and I'm afraid that if I don't control it, I might burst out and cause a ruckus.

So yeah.

Another thing related to what I'm about to post would be this: The fact that whatever left of the younger students who have also grown up with Gino; as in those who had been taught by Gino since they were in Pre-Primary up to his death, is probably the only thing I have left; whatever little 'grasp' I have of the old times, basically.

For me it just creates a kind of 'bond', if you can call it that, between me and the students because they know Gino and have been under his teachings as well, so they'd know and understand what I mean when I mention something about the old times.

They are also the only people who have not changed since the good old times... in a good way.


If you have been reading my blog or know me, you'd know that I have a solo this upcoming concert. Unfortunately it's merely a simple choreography, because I didn't have the time to choreograph a proper one due to my other inclinations. 

That, and I admit that I'm horrible at choreographing. 

So naturally, I get a bit self-conscious when I dance it out in front of everyone during rehearsals. And it wasn't until about 2-3 weeks ago that I 'finished' my choreography.

Thankfully though, by the time it's my turn to dance, not too many people are watching because they'd either be busy getting ready for their numbers or doing some other stuff.

And since then, every time I finished my number, there are these 3 kids who never fail to clap for me: Michelle, Irene, and Loi Eean. And sometimes, the Intermediate Foundation girls as well.

What's the big deal, you ask?

There were no claps for the other dances. Not unless one of the 'teachers' asked them to clap.

They would grin the kind of grin that let you know they truly liked it, and clap the moment I took my bow.

It's nothing much, but little kind gestures and acts like these really get me because I'm a big ol' sappy woman. When they clap, I smile at them, hoping they'd get the message that I was thankful for them being supportive of me.

It means a lot when someone is sincerely supportive of me or appreciates me, regardless of age. I've always yearned to be more than just 'a teacher' (if you really COUNT me as a teacher, that is *eyeroll*). I want to be someone they look up to; not just in dance.


So when they clap for me... Although I know that the standard of my dancing is really low compared to others my grade, but as they grin at me as they clap, I'm kinda hoping that in a way, I'll inspire them. If not in dance, then in one way or another.

So if you ever happen to come across my blog: Irene, Loi Eean and Michelle... Thank you.

It may not mean much to you, but know that your little gesture means something to me. Even more so at this time when there's something internal going on for me. You know not of it; and I'd like to keep it that way for now, so just.. thank you.

I love you girls!

*insert expression of utmost belief here*

Wow. I'm speechless.

And for the first time (not in my life, but where my passion is concerned), it's not a good kind of speechless.

I feel like I've been betrayed constantly time and time again that I'm surprised I still get so surprised by it.

I really want to keep doing it, but it's hard when what you do is not even acknowledged, and you're treated so differently.

I do ONE thing that apparently stands in the way of me being actively involved, and I get isolated like this. When I DO participate actively and pour my time and blood and sweat into it, it gets overlooked and I still don't get recognition for my contributions.

Well I'm sorry I don't have enough money like the rest to continue my classes. I'm sorry I can't afford to go for courses and extra classes to 'better myself' up. Tch, if I HAD the money, you wouldn't even have to ask; the moment there's an opportunity, I'd grab it before you can even invite me.

It's VERY hard, I must say. When you're trying your best to get involved any way you can, but no one is taking you seriously, and they're instead treating you like you yourself had opted out.

NO.

The circumstances forced me to add another commitment into my life, in which you were the one who suggested in the first place.

I wanted to focus solely on what I love; it's the MAIN reason I stopped uni in the first place. But because it couldn't support me and my dad has been constantly on my case to get a 'better, well paying job', I was forced to put my commitments someplace else.

This situation is making me dread practises. But I know that I still LOVE my passion... if possible, even more so. It is the SITUATION that makes me dread it.


Also, what happened to all those talks from before in which you apparently 'stroked my ego' and compared me with the other? Where was the truth you told me passion-wise? Because I sure as hell ain't seeing it now.


I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm FUCKING DISAPPOINTED.

And you of all people KNOW that I hate people beating around the bush; if there is something that you're not happy with, fucking TELL ME.

Please.


우리는 그렇게 가까이하는 데 사용하지만, 그 날 후에 내가 녹음 시간을 착각하면 일이 예전의 상태로 돌아갈 수 없지 있습니다. 미안 해요, 심지어 내 결백을 보여 주겠다고하지만 이후 매우 다르게 나 치료를했습니다.

이 모든이 끝난 후 내 말 명심하게, 난 당신을 앉아이 이상 수행을 함께 얻을거야. 난 병이 모든 치료 빌어 먹게 피곤해. 이 유적의 관계를한다면, 그럴 수. 적어도 나는 정직이고 실제로 문제의 하단에 가져 오기를 원했습니다.

I Just LOVE Dance Movies. Don't You? n_n

Don't you just love it when something just makes you smile;

Maybe even shed a tear or two...

Knowing that you did the right thing...

And have absolutely no regrets? ^^

I just watched Step Up Revolution last night and found one main thing ironic:

First, that the lead characters' story is somewhat similar to mine; with, of course, some big exceptions. Emily's dad doesn't believe that dance is a wise 'career'; meaning that he doesn't think dance will pay the bills. My dad and grandparents think that too. Sean's sister, whom he's living with, encourages him to get a 'proper job' because 'dancing isn't a job'. And yes, my dad and grandparents think that too.

So naturally, when Emily had that conversation with her dad, it hit home. Thank God for those 3D glasses because I shed some tears at that part. And I don't think my boyfie noticed, so thank goodness. xD

The main difference is, however, that as 'unheard of' as The Mob may be, they are DEFINITELY about a gazillion times better than I am at dancing, and it makes me kinda sad to know that there isn't anything CLOSE to the Mob where I live.

But also, it made me realise and think.

I shouldn't let the lack of opportunities stop me from doing what I love to do. If I can't afford to pay for lessons to learn, then I shall learn them on my own.

There are many 'How-To' videos on YouTube, and although it may not be the best way to learn it, it's most definitely better than nothing.

Another part I got a little teary at was the Art Gallery scene, I think. The dances were GORGEOUS. Of course, extra points that there was a beautiful Ballet scene too!

It's not the best quality, I know, but just wait till there's a HD version. And no, it's not my recording.

The other irony is this: 

I'm not known for my tears.
That is to say, I very rarely show my tears to people.
And even when a touching or sad scene comes on, I hold it in and don't cry because I'm probably watching it with my family or friends.

But when I watched this, I cried TWICE. My eyes just welled up and the tears fell before I could blink them away.

Even in Ballet class YEARS ago, I was known as one of the 'tough ones' to not cry whenever Gino yelled at me. But just a simple scene from a dance movie could trigger all that emotion. 

Well would you look at that.


So to end this, the movie also made me realise... that I may not be anywhere near the kind of dancing I'd like to be doing, but it's a start. It's better than not dancing at all.

I have no regrets leaving uni at all. 

Here are some scenes from the new movie.

*insert bitter sigh here*

Hello.

It's been a very long while, I know.

And honestly, this post isn't gonna be a very cheery one either.


In a way, I guess it's good to know that... whenever I seem to be a little preoccupied in something else other than dance, something will happen that will remind me just how much I can't live without it.

It's as if every time I get  sidetracked, someone up there (Gino, maybe?) will make something happen to make me realise WHY I'm doing what I am. WHY I'm sticking around. WHY I have to take another job for me to realise it.

Recently, I got a job offer at Vistana. Which is all good, but should I take it, I would have to stop teaching Ballet. And I guess you could say that I freaked out.

Silently, that is.

I managed to live without ballet for two years in Uni, but that was because there were other dances there that I could take to fill up the void space in me.

If you've read my other blog entries at any time, you will know how I always gush about dancing in general; not just ballet. The main reason that that's the only thing I rant about is because that's the only genre of dance that I know of. 

Sadly.

So you can imagine how I feel when my friends are able to go for dance/ballet shows, performances, and courses, when I have to stay back, pretend it doesn't bother me as much as it does, and smile.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts that I can't go? How much it hurts when I hear my friends talking about what and how much they've learnt, and I have no clue whatsoever? Worse, that I can't even take classes to learn them, and have to rely on what I've learnt throughout my years with Gino - which although is VERY useful in most areas, lacks in some as well because he was never detailed?

Like now, regarding the new RAD syllabuses for Grades 1-3.

I only vaguely know it from the DVD I've watched. And like Lika has said numerous times, the videos can only be used for reference. So I hardly know the new syllabus. I only know the old one, having, of course, danced it myself.

There was a course recently in Singapore for these new grades. To teach the correct methods and steps of the dance.

And of course, I couldn't go.

It was too expensive for me. 

So I still have no clue about the proper way of how it's done.

Yes, I could be spending most of my free time in the studio, observing and learning. But there's only so much I can let Lika do for me without feeling like I'm somewhat 'cheating'.. that I'm expecting her to teach me all this, for free.

So I'm back to square one.

All because I can't afford it.

Don't be mistaken; I'm not being unthankful here. I'm very much aware that I was able to go to the Vaganova workshop in November last year, and the very recent International Ballet Gala.

But that's just it. I have to fork out my own money to go to these events (bear in mind that there's also the travel expenses and the food money), and I've already used up so much.

True, I'm working now and even before I took up my recent receptionist job, but let's be honest here: the money I was making teaching ballet was barely able to cover up any expense whatsoever (because I was not doing it full time, and lack experience). If it was, I wouldn't have even considered taking another job. Teaching ballet alone was enough to make me happy.

And just when I was contemplating on whether I should stop teaching ballet for the time being and focus on my job as a receptionist, I saw Ice dancing today.

If anyone I know from the studio happens to read this, I'll confess this to you now: my heart hitched at my throat when I saw her dancing to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years, and I can honestly say that I knew, by watching her dance, that if I were to see her dance for real during the wedding performance, I'd cry.

I love performing, and I love dancing. But I am also VERY aware that I'm no Alina Somova or Maria Kochetkova. Heck, I'm not even close to Miko Fogarty.

They say that in dance, it doesn't matter how good you are; you just have to have the passion and the drive.

But what if you do; what IF, you just can't get enough 'sources' to help you improve?

Sure, I could buy a bunch of DVDs and books and stuff and learn from them. But with no one to correct me, how would I know that what I'm doing is not a wrong technique or something? I mean sure, it's ok if you just want to learn for fun. But to learn something wrongly; to learn the improper method, it would only be harder to correct in the future.

And I don't want that.

Inspirational Songs

Ok ok, I know I haven't updated in a LOOOONNNGGG while... I even haven't typed up my Ballet Gala post, and to be very honest, I'm not sure that I'm even going to. ><


No, I haven't lost interest in blogging.. but hey, maybe I WILL post about it after all. We'll see.
What I don't get, however, is how this blog gets more views than my main blog, and I rarely update this one.. O.o


But anyways. This post will just be a cross-post from my main blog, because it involves dance as well. ^^ So click here to read it.^^


Oh, and comment, too? Pretty please?

Gentle Reminders...

Just yesterday, I got a little glued to YouTube channel ittiebittiedancer.
Kaylee is probably about 7 years old now, but she started taking Ballet, Tap, Jazz, Lyrical, and Rhythmic Gymnastics when she was about 4-5 years old. And GOD is she GOOD.


Apparently she trains under the Classical Russian Ballet, which would explain her incredibly good technique (AT AGE 5, MAY I REMIND YOU), something I'd ashamedly admit is even better than mine. But then again, my technique isn't much to shout about, is there?

 

 Heck, she's FIVE and already she's learning Chaines and Poses and Pirouettes?? And to think... what I was doing at five years old... *cries*


And then in gymnastics, at 5 years old she is already in level 4. Now, I know close to nothing about how the gymnastic grades/levels go, but apparently Kaylee had started gymnastics either right after she turned 5, or 9 months before she was 5. Either way, for her to be able to go from Level 1 to Level 4 within 9 months... Well, that's hecka good.

I read a comment that said she's awesome in gym and all, but she has the body/techniques of a ballerina through and through. Honestly, if that was me I'd HARDLY complain. It would be a compliment to have a body of ANY kind of dancer!


Me, on the other hand... I have a body of a God.


..........
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BUDDHA.

*I don't mean to insult or anything, in case you didn't know or haven't already guessed. It's all meant in good humour. It means I'm fat. 




Jokes and admiration aside, however, I've posted this to prove a point about something as well.


If a FIVE YEAR OLD is able to attain that level in such a short period of time, who are we to give excuses that ' we can't ' ?


Sure, some people may be born with the talent or the body type (but some of whom who has these attributes and NOT like dancing... yes, I know. It irritates me too. ), and some of us (yours truly included) have to work our asses off almost THRICE as hard to obtain HALF the result of people like Kaylee.


Still, I'm saying that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, and that everything CAN be possible if you keep working hard and putting your heart in it. Nothing can be done properly if you don't have the heart for it.
Or the talent, for that matter.


Sure, we may not be as good as we HOPE to be (what with each of us having different levels of what we think to be 'good enough' ), but it's workable. 


Look at the video below, and TELL me you don't get inspired watching it. 

This girl has Down's Syndrome, but look at how she dances. And notice the applause she got at the end of her performance. It's because although I'm sure she knew she made some mistakes here and there, she never let it get to her and continued smiling and dancing with all her heart. And just by looking at her dance, you can tell that she absolutely LOVES what she's doing.


I've seen this video before, but no matter how many times I do, every time I see it, it brings a smile to my face and brightens up my day.


I'll end this post here, but leave you with this thought in mind: If someone who has Down's Syndrome can go out there in public, not a hint of fear in her eyes at what some may think, and dance like it's all she ever wants to do, why can't WE do the same?

It's Been A While...

A VERY long while. =p

So.. just a short recap of what has been going on before I get to the point of my post:

1. I have been teaching Adult Ballet for the 2nd month now, and we're slowly getting more students.

2. Teaching at the kindergarten has not been much of a difference since I first started; only that the kids have warmed up to me completely. ^^

*clears throat*

Ok.

If there's one thing I've realised, it's that I LOVE Jin's videos. They are either really just plain ironic and funny, or funny, with a deep meaning to it.


In fact, his latest video, 'Class Clown', made me cry. It's basically about a new teacher, Alex, who used 'theatrical' methods to teach History to his students, and whom, quite predictably, was opposed to by the headmaster. Only to find out later that Alex's method had indeed worked, and the students scored high marks for the 'pop quiz'. 


What really got to me was the sad fact that VERY RARELY would a teacher go to those lengths to teach their students. Most teachers are all about academic achievement these days, and being all strict and stern to get their students to 'study harder' and achieve 'better grades'. 


Call me dense, but these stern methods don't flow with me. The harsher/ more fierce you are with me,  the higher chance I will rebel and basically not give a SHIT about the teacher and what he/she is teaching. And, they will probably be in my bad books.
FOREVER.


Watching Jin's video made me think back to my lecturers/teachers who have actually made a lasting impact in my life. I can name and count them on the fingers of my ONE hand: Mr Lionel Keith, Ms Azleen, Mr Afi Roshezry and Mr Gino.


MR GINO.


That was probably what started my tears.


My Ballet teacher was probably the only teacher who was SO strict and stern (to the point he had sent NUMEROUS sobbing kids out of class, and some that had been so afraid of him that they'd skip class - yours truly included. xD ), and yet... I was thankful for him. SO VERY THANKFUL.


He grew closer to Lika and I as we got older, and he literally became my second father. 


He sung to the musics in class, and spoke 'Thai' to us (but which was literally just gibberish), and shared his experiences and jokes with us.


Of course, all this wouldn't have been so bad if he had still been around.


He passed away in 2010; when I was in my first year and first semester of university. And what killed me so bad was that I never had the chance to say goodbye, or tell him how much he meant to me.


And he was one of that teachers who left a HUGE impact on my life.


Teachers like these are so rare nowadays. And it's sad that 'over-achievers' think that these rare bunch are ridiculous idiots.


Because they are NOT.


In fact, they'd make better teachers than you fierce-stern lot EVER would.


MR GINO, I STILL MISS YOU.
And you still can make me cry.

Yikes, and Wow and the same time.

OK, so I'm a little iffed because I typed this post out using Chrome, and when I posted it, NOTHING except the title and tags came out. Grrrr.

And now I feel lazy to type it all over again. =.="

Anyways, I was musing how much I sucked at updating my dance blog, despite constantly professing my love for it.

And my flexibility.

Or rather, lack thereof. T_T

I used to do yoga for quite a few months back then, and I noticed that it DID help with my flexibility, but then I stopped yoga, and then I stopped ballet for a good 2 years because of uni.

And my flexibility just FLOPPED.

Like, literally. Bunny ears flop.

Ok, so I'm trying to make my 'disability' sound cute for a moment there.

Sorry. >.<

Not that I was all bendy last time either, so....

But you get my point.

And then there's me teaching.

I officially start this week, and I'm a little ball of excitement (and a little nervous... wreck.)

P/S: cute fail again there...

Before this I had been just a 'stand-in', per say. This time, I'll be handling 2 kinds of people by myself: adults, and  kindergarteners.

The best part of all these, though?

I FINALLY get to do what I love.

I'll make you proud, Mr Gino. <3

It Happens.

It sucks, let me tell you this.

It sucks to have to rely on someone else for financial support, especially when you know that 95% of that chance is negative.
It sucks, that you have to rely on your dad, who takes close to no interest in helping you finance the things you love, just because it's 'future is not very bright'.
It sucks that going for this course would mean so much to me, because it will definitely help in my teaching and technique, but of which I am unable to attend because I'm literally broke; all my savings have gone to accommodating myself to other such events in the past.

It sucks because I know that ranting will get me nowhere, but I was hoping that maybe it might make me feel a little better afterwards. And I MAY, but I know that when the date draws closer, I will start feeling upset again.

It sucks when you want something that's once-in-a-lifetime so badly, but you just have to take a back seat and watch it all unfurl before you without participation.

This sucks balls.