March 28, 2013

3 Years After..

Today, my friends and I went to a Karaoke nearby.
When I arrived, they were already there and had already sang a couple of songs.
Most of it began with Backstreet Boys and a couple of Malay songs. As I was singing along to one of the songs, I saw one friend chose Christina Aguilera's Hurt. I stiffened a little, but then decided that I'd be okay as long as I didn't sing.

Well you guessed it. I got passed the mic to sing with one of my friends. Knowing that they'd bug me if I didn't sing, I took the mic quietly and sang.
I tried not to pay too much attention to the lyrics, and even then, I felt my throat tighten a little.
Then came the bridge.

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this 
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do, To have just one more chance To look into your eyes and see you looking back"

"You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this... "

I choked.

I couldn't sing it.

I felt my tear ducts fill and hurriedly blinked it away before it could spill.

I pretended to be distracted with something, and just passed the mic over to another friend.

Most of the time, I realise, whenever I think of Gino, I get so upset because I miss how things were.

There have been so many things that have changed since Gino's passing, and I have to admit that I miss the old times. A LOT.

Back then, I guess you could say that I was more 'involved'. I had classes 2-3 times a week, and although it was professionally very little, I loved it. I also loved the company. The friends. That close bond we had.

Yes, HAD.

There have been so many who have gone their different ways that I feel I'm somewhat losing touch of the 'old memories'. Even those who are still here now have seemed to have sort of gotten over the grief a long time ago.

All I have is my blog to reminisce about the old memories; because I'm not boring anyone to death with my stories; anyone reading this can just close my page if they don't like what they're reading. And at this rate, I feel as if I'm the only one who still cries every time I hear songs that relate to him, and feel saddened even at the mere mention of him. I feel like I seem to be the only one who's heart breaks whenever I think back on those times.

Because everyone seemed to have moved on.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me and my 'attachment' issue. 

Then again, back at the old studio was where most of my happy memories of dancing came from. 

The old times.

I know change can be good in life. 
Everyone needs a change now and then. 

But this change has... disconnected me, if you will.

Priorities have changed. I daresay that some of the 'joy' has even... evaporated due to the change.

Now there is so much I've been missing out on, that I've become left behind. Different circumstances have also made me unable to keep up.

I left uni to come back and teach. And I know that in my current situation, I have to be patient, but...

I guess you could say I've lost touch. I am not needed to be as involved as I was. And back then, all I knew WAS being involved.

And all because I lack financially.


If I was financially able, I would have learnt the new syllabus. I would have taken the qualification needed to take a teaching course. I would be able to pay my way through the course what with travel expenses and all. I would be able to get my certificate and be a certified teacher.

But I can't.

And it hurts me so fucking much.

I'm not getting any younger. The odds are getting thinner at me getting anything close to a dance career. And I don't mean in just ballet.

But of course, if it's possible I want a proper teacher; one with credible and proper experience; not those who just learn from music videos. 


I've started rambling and going way out of the point now. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is... I miss how things were. I miss my participation, and I miss the old company. It's just not the same.

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